this seems to be a prevailing topic in this blog...

losing a friend is hard... especially when you still see that friend and you both still try to play the part as friends. when you see that friend interacting with her real (newer) friends in a way she hasn't acted with you in ages, a piece of you kind of steps back and withdraws just a bit more than before.
joe says i "go through a lot of friends"... like they're disposable or something. believe me - i don't feel that way at all. at least i don't think i do... honestly though, i don't really have any friends (that i see and talk to on a regular basis) i've been close with for more than a few years (unless you count aforementioned friend), and i wish i knew why. is it something i do? is it the friends i pick? or is it just that i pick friends that always seem to take a different path than i choose? when i first become friends with someone, we always share so many (albeit silly and trivial) similarities it's scary. but as the friendship progresses, one of us always has a hard time getting over our differences. take, for example, the current situation i'm in. this friend is one of the most admirable people i know - money conscious, thrifty, driven, and constantly in control. i am none of these things - none at all... well, i'm getting a bit more thrifty, but maybe that's just because i have less to spend - who knows? anyways, this friend and i have been through some tough times together over the ten-or-so years we've been close. not as many and not as serious times as some people (i'm also no longer friends with, mind you), but enough to fill a book... well, a novella at least... and now, things seem to be changing. once i started to lose the person i was before (the person she was the complete polar opposite of), we started to drift apart. our phone calls started to become less and less frequent (and shorter each time), we stopped dropping-by each other's homes, and we began to spend time that used to be alloted to us with others. this happens, i know. but the question remains - why so frequently to me? am i the one who always changes, unavoidably becoming the reason for the dissolution of the relationship, or is it something else? can i not accept someone else's change? i'm not sure, and i don't think i ever will be... all i know is the friendship that brought this post about (which also kept me up half the night) is dear to me - i care deeply about this person, but have we both changed too much to really connect the way we once did? or maybe we never really even connected on a level i thought we did - maybe we were friends of convenience - our friends were friends, so why shouldn't we be? i don't think i'll ever know the answer to that one either. but when she talks to me the way she used to address one of our mutual (and now no longer) friends, i know something must be up. i wonder if i use the same tone with her - if, when she goes home, she feels it too. she always seems so... annoyed with me and with the path i decided to choose. i can't even remember the last time we really had fun together... we just keep trying... not to keep up appearances or anything - we're both above that - but because i think we both feel new friends are very different from the ones you've spent ten-plus years with. new friends may become those friends, but you'll never get those original ten years back.
lately, i've been thinking that friendships are more complicated than physical, romantic relationships. i (mostly) know where i stand with joe. he needs me - deeply and truly. sometimes, it becomes annoying and almost burden-like, but a good burden nonetheless. i appreciate that he looks to me for guidance and strength (not so much to pick up his socks, but hey - gotta take the good with the bad, eh?), and appreciate the feelingof being needed so deeply. maybe that's the problem, though - if a friendship is built on need, what happens when that friend (inevitably) finds someone else to fill that void? there's just not enough room left in their life.
people change, i guess. it's sad, but, ultimately, something i'll just have to deal with more and more as i get older and change myself... as for the friendship in question, i'll just have to wait and see what transpires i guess...