birthday alert...

another birthday... 26. yea. 26, no direction, no job. never thought i'd be saying that... everyone always said i had soooo much potential... awful word, potential... it always gives you hope until people start saying you had it... how can you lose potential? where does it go? who knows... all i know is that i feel i no longer posses that particular quality. there was a time where everything seemed so limitless... now it's hard to find the energy to get out of bed in the morning. getting dressed is a challenge, so i can't even begin to think how hard it's going top be to step back in the working world. what can i do, though? it's as if i've been living my life exactly the way i swore i never would - according to other's perspectives and expectations. i always tried so hard to go against the grain, and maybe by doing so, all i accomplished was tiring myself. So, when i had the option to make the choice of which way i wanted to live my life, i found myself too exhausted to fight. Expectations - your own, your spouse's or significant other's, your family's, society's... there comes a point where they seem to take over. "be skinnier! be prettier! work harder! make more money! buy better things! find a better job! fall in line! grow up..." i guess i have to look at the bright side - all of the people i love who's expectations of me should mean the most all feel i'm great... it's mostly dealing with my own expectations of myself that i'm, finding the problem. where am i supposed to be right now? how am i supposed to be acting? what am i supposed to be wearing, and how is my hair supposed to be? nobody ever said growing up would be easy, but i always thought i'd be done it by now...
happy birthday to me...

hmmm... haven't been on here for a long time due to the fact that i forgot my password and couldn't figure out how to change my e-mail settings to retrieve my password... fun, fun, fun.anyways, if anyone cares, a lot's happened since my last post. to start with:Got Married - august 26th, 2006. beautiful day, my girls looked gorgeous, my husband and his boys were great, generally a pretty good day. it's funny, though - everybody always says you always remember your wedding day... i don't really. like, i remember parts of it - factions and remnants, but a lot of it was a blur. i didn't get drunk, so i don't know what that's all about... oh well. when i have access to another computer, i'll post some pictures on this thing.Left My Job - october 31, 2006. had a break-down, kinda went cuckoo, got a new therapist/psychiatrist, had huge issues with the insurance company i was dealing with, was poor, fell behind on everything, cried a lot, slept a lot, cried some more and finally, with the help of my husband and my friends, emerged somewhat unscathed.Joined A Band - sometime early 2007. don't really want to talk about this - finally doing something i love (singing) that made me happy turned out to be another big screw-you to april. supposed to play a show on april 14th... didn't work out. now trying to start up a new band, not really getting anywhere. anybody looking for a chick singer, let me know... cause i love (d) it - grounded me in a way i have a hard time finding away from pharmaceutical prescription drugs...Went Through Some Sort Of Phase And Made Some Changes To My Appearance - shortly after i joined the band. cut off about six inches of my hair. i was very pleased with the condition and new-found vigor and swing that was never really there before. shortly after starting New Job mentioned below and noticing the other employees expressing their personal fashion choices, i decided nice, newly healthy hair could use a bleach-job and some bright red dye. this is after a few weeks of experimenting with that color-pulse mousse stuff - daily - not recommended, apparently. nobody told me, although it probably wouldn't have mattered. anyways, bleached and tried to dye red. manic panic is sooooooooo not the same quality as it was in my younger days... then, red was (not became, was to start with... odd, but nice colour just the same...) pink, and the logical step after pink is blue. well, blue was turquoise (same as red was pink... remember - the quality has really gone down hill... i was going to write a letter, but i was too busy doing other stuff. not sure what it was, but i'm sure it was important.) so, blue was supposed to become black, but instead, became a weird shade of inky blue and felt like, well, i can't really explain it, but it felt gross. all of the beautiful hair i worked for and savoured the few months i had it is now gone. had to cut it all off in an emergency salon appointment tanna made for me. love, love, love my new hairdresser, though! michael, if you're reading this, i'll need to book another appointment as soon as what follows below is cleared up... my hair looked great, will post a pic of it soon. now, hair was dyed pink after i Got A New Job - sometime late february, 2007. while off on (unpaid at this point - no longer felt like spending whole days in the doctor's office waiting for faxes to be received and sent to and from the insurance company and paying out the ass for said-faxes... said "screw it"- i was poor before, and i'm sure i'll be poor again. scarlett didn't know what she was missing, i tell ya!) disability, decided to try to ease back into the workforce with a menial, part-time job in a call centre again. was still poor, things seemed a little better, caught up on some of the more important things, like hydro and such (crying yourself to sleep is much easier with an equally depressing movie playing on your tele, which needs hydro to work... not fair, i know, but what can you do?). food was bought too. being back in the workforce, no matter how menial-a-position, gave me confidence to return to said previous job. got clearance from doctor and new shrink, called hr, got callback same day to return following monday.and this brings us almost to present...I'll just combine Returned To Old Job and Got Fired From Old Job into one, easy-reading, quick synopsis, because legally, i'm not allowed to say much. First day started great - loved new office, new people, new market, loved new everything. for once, i felt like an asset to something. second day, not so great. my car blew up on my way to work on the 401. now, i was working about 45 minutes away from home, so it's not like i could walk. and for anyone who knows the 401, i'll let you know i was stranded on the side of the road about 10 minutes away from what is affectionately known as "carnage alley". not a good morning. cried some more, thought i was going to hyperventilate, basically felt like ripping my hair out. got a ride home in a tow truck, cried some more, tried to rent a car, couldn't get a car until late that afternoon, girl didn't put my application in the system right, they rented my car to someone else, had to borrow tann's car wednesday, leesha's thursday, sister-in-law mandy's van friday, which brings us up to speed. borrowed mandy's van today, drove to work and got fired. i'll say it again, fun, fun, fun... apparently, by saving the company (or insurance company, who knows...) money by giving up on my claim, i couldn't work part-time at another completely unrelated business. it was in some sort of violation. i should have just gone back. see, the thing is, i now wish i had never left in the first place. i also wish i had never started work at the call centre (although i did met some really cool people, possibly my new-band people) because, well, i think that's self-explanatory. so now, i'm up a creek. the motor has to be replaced in my car, i don't have a job, and i think i've cried enough in the last 6 months to float that stupid canoe i'm stuck in without a freakin' paddle... at home after my first day, i was ecstatic. life couldn't get better. then, my car blew up. then, everything seemed to be getting better - seemed being the key word. just when you think things can't get worse... bam. i'm almost to the point where i don't want to go outside. agoraphobia seems like the way to go. fears of the sky falling have a lot of pull with me now... chicken little, i know what you were going though, little buddy!this morning, i woke up with the same, dumb, yucky feeling in my belly that i did the day my car died. i'm used to this feeling - every time my daddy would drive me into town when i was younger and i thought i was pulling a fast-one on my parents, if i was destined to get caught, i would get that feeling. there were many, many times though, that i got away with whatever scam i was trying to pull. didn't feel it those times...but really, could i just have a freakin' break??? i mean c'mon! if anything, i think i've dealt with what's been handed to me quite well recently. i'm surprised i haven't got up on a water tower with some water balloons yet... and i don't even want to tempt fate with the typical battle cry of the optimist "things can only get better!". i don't even want to conclude with the cheer of the glass-half-empty folks i usually associate myself with - "they can't get any worse!" they can... at least i'm expecting them to now... what do you think? what's that little nugget of wisdom make me? an optimistic pessimist? a pessimistic optimist? basically, i'm going with an tele-pathetic oxy-moron. at least i have my health... cough, cough...