twenty-five minutes until "lost" starts, so i'm left with some time to kill. i'm sure there's a plethora of mind-numbing shows on tv, but i already have enough fears of losing my intelligence and creativity - no need to fan the flames.
top things i want to understand in the near future:
1. the need to be desired. i'm actually sure i am desired. joe tells me everyday how beautiful i am, and i can still look in the mirror and see that my eyes are still that slightly alarming shade of green they've always been. maybe it's just i don't see myself the way i used to... essentially, i just feel fat and dumpy. all of the weight i intended to lose last year at this time has compounded into this lump on my stomach. all of the clothes i wanted to save because one day, i would fit into them again were snatched-up by eager friends or donated...
self-esteem is so fickle... i probably shouldn't care that i'm getting fat. i shouldn't care that even my damn fingers seem like sausages, and i shouldn't care that my breasts are only going to get saggier... what i should be caring about is maintaining a healthy level of emotional stability because it's "good for the baby"... honestly, though, it doesn't even feel like i'm pregnant... it feels like i'm turning into a blimp...
why is it so important for me to be attractive? i mean, what would life had been like if i was never even remotely attractive? i'm sure i'd still be breathing... hell - i might even be happier than i am now! if i didn't have something to compare it to, i wouldn't have something to complain about...
i always have to be the best - the smartest, the prettiest, the most intriguing... the most, well, everything...
i guess i should've given myself more time to compile this list...