it's hard to concentrate with a teething six-month-old rolling around on the floor. i wish it were easier, but nothing really works. and please, don't think i'm being insensitive or a bad mom - i'm just trying to find a little, tiny piece of me again.
is it possible to have an identity crisis at 27? actually, ignore that question - it's totally possible to have an identity crisis at any age, i guess. i'm just getting so close to the whole mid-life-crisis-phase-age i think i'm getting paranoid.
this weekend, i'm going shopping. i'm in desperate need of new clothes. i think i need to get in touch with me again. i feel so out of touch lately - so un-hip. so un-creative. so old... i wonder if this is actually the way i am now. i wonder if this is who i am... i look back at old pictures and old things i've written and wonder where that girl could've gone. she was too bright to just burn out - too big to dissapear.
if this is who i've become, then it's not an entirely bad thing. i mean, i'm a mom now. and frankly, i'm finding that i'm pretty good at it. i mean, my son seems to think so at least...
i hope this passes soon...

sometimes, i feel like i missed out on a lot of things in my life. i watched "vicky, christina, barcelona" yesterday (which, by the way, does not warrant any of the awards buzz it's received) and it really made me think why my life took the path it did. is everything really pre-determined? or are you, in fact, the maker of your own destiny? i would have gone to spain in a heartbeat when i was younger. my niece went there on exchange, and i applaud her for it. she saw a part of the world i probably never will, and for some reason, i think she's better for it. she wasn't scared (ok, maybe she was a little bit at first), and she jumped in head-first. me, on the other hand, was supposed to be impulsive and impetuous in my teenage years and early twenties. i,on the other hand, did nothing but languish in the same town i grew up in, moved in with the same boyfriend i dated in high school, and continued to do the same things i always did. back then, i probably thought i didn't have the resources i needed to make it that far. now unfortunately, i know i did. i could have made it to spain (or anywhere, for that matter) on a wish and a prayer - i was young, pretty, and vivacious. the world was my oyster-tapas...
now, as i look back, i do so with a smidgen of regret. what would i have seen? where would i be now? who would i be now? only with a smidgen, though. my son (who has probably inadvertently contributed to some of this wanderlust) makes me want to dig deep roots and nestle into the dirt like we snuggle into our bed at night. there are thing i know i'll never get to experience again - but there are thing everybody's missed out on. life only gives you so many windows to climb in (or in my case, fences to jump as i did much more of that in my formidable years). once those windows are closed, that's it - you can't go back.
i know this all seems kind of depressing, and to be frank, well, it is. but i'm learning there are so many other things to make me smile; i can't always dwell on the ones that make me sad.
everyday, joey learns something new. everyday, he experiences something for the first time. it's wonderful and beautiful and scary, all at the same time. it's hard for me to believe in a few years, he won;t want to snuggle or be held anymore. and a few years after that, he may actually go to spain... i certainly won't stop him. i hope i don't try to live vicariously through him; i'm sure though, if he's anything like his mother, he'll have his very own set of dreams, ideals and plans. and i'm sure many of those will fall through and be crushed as well. that saddens me immensely, but i'm beginning to think that life isn't always about the triumphs and successes - it's more about the heartaches and letdowns. those are the things that have shaped who i am, and those strengths are the ones i hope to pass on to my son more than any others i possess... impulsiveness and impetuosity are probably inherited, but real fortitude is something that has to be learned.
luckily, i have my son to teach me...