gristle...

well, lady luck has turned her back on me again... new profession - "professional tester of the waters"... seems like the one girl who can't handle stress well keeps having it shoved down her throat... and believe me - i hate the taste... getting fired (well, that's probably a bit harsh.. this is the first time i will ever say i was "let go"...) bites the big one... and i mean "bites" like, you know when you bite into a piece of chicken and you wind up with a mouth full of gristle? that's what it feels like - that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach and the automatic gag reflex...
regardless, in case anyone didn't read my profile updates on facebook (which may be a possibility - but facebook is pretty much the only way anyone will ever know i update this thing... unless random people check it - that would be cool...), i lost my position at the radio station. i'm just not cut out for radio sales - maybe not sales at all anymore, to tell you the truth... i'm all sold out... i just want to do something that makes me happy, and it's so hard to find. i never thought people had to "find" happiness... i thought it was always stumbled upon... "whenever god closes a door, he opens a window"... how many times will i hear that in the next little while? probably a few more times than my liking, but at least i'll know people care.
my husband isn't exactly ecstatic, and who would be? i feel like i'm continually letting him down, but it's so f-ing hard for me!!!! i can't comprehend how people can function in a world where they're not happy... i understand how they can, but there's a big difference between "understanding" and "comprehension"... "understanding" is almost like empathy - you understand why someone does something or something happens... you understand why someone puts their parents in a home, or why plants need water to survive. "comprehension", on the other hand, is being able to fathom something - to comprehend why something makes sense... and people roaming and dragging around their whole lives just to pay a mortgage on a home they put a new porch on just so their resale value would be higher does not make sense to me!!!!!!take vacations, for example - someone is extremely stressed out at work - they try to tie up all their loose ends before they take off on a trip for a week just to come back to even more turmoil than before they left... how does this work??? when did we start caring about the bottom line more than... well, when did "bottom line" start meaning money? shouldn't the bottom line be contentment and happiness? maybe i'm just crazy... maybe i'm lazy... all i know is i don't want to be a drone... i'm sure tonnes of people have felt this way (ummmm, punk rock, anyone??), but it's so painful to actually feel yourself - every single day... when does it end? this can't be the meaning of life...
there are so many things i want from life again - i want that felling i had on easter morning years ago when i was in the driveway with my skip-it waiting for my parents to get out to the car so we could go to their friend's house... i want to see the way the light danced of the leaves and tickled my shins again...
i want to hug my grandpa and smell him again...
i want to be painfully beautiful again - like when people (men and women) would turn around on the street just to catch one more look of my face again...
i want to lay in bed on a school morning and tell my mom i was feeling sick (even though i wasn't - i just didn't want to go to school) and feel her cool palm on my forehead. i want to see that look of concern (which i know was kind of faked - i've since seen her concerned look, and i hope to never see that again) , hear her say "hmmm... you do feel a little warm", and then "maybe you should stay home..." all because she knew i didn't want to go...
regressing to childhood is a normal thing - ever read that book "i will love you forever" by robert munsch? it explained it perfectly. i will not delve into details if you're not sure which book i'm referring to - go out and read it... it's like, 20 pages and a children's book. now that is painfully beautiful...