good-bye my oldest friend...

so... since i'm having an extremely difficult time getting things done with my novel, i thought i would just try and write, regardless of the crap that i'm sure will come out.
so, to start with, i want to talk about regrets. have you ever regretted someone else's decisions? or is regret a personal thing? i know it's impossible to make someone feel something, especially if you don't tell them what you think they should. someone i love is gone. i could go so far as to say the typical "well, they're not dead, but they're sure dead to me!", but that doesn't really apply. see, because i'm not sure if the person i'm referring to is the same person anymore... would that mean they are dead? like, the part of them i loved died? i think that's possible, but who's to say, right? and i know i've received flak for being too vague (with this and the majority of things i write), so i may as well get out as much as i can without offending any parties involved (not that anyone involved or anyone else, for that matter, will read this, but who knows??)...
it began with a night that may or may not have been a mistake - when a group of people gets together to fight for what's right, there is always a discrepancy between what they believe is right and what actually is. i now know that minding my own business is ALWAYS the right thing to do. if someone doesn't want to hear something, they definitely will not believe it. regardless, i felt terrible. i apologized, things seemed fine. then, another person became linked with the situation - something i swore was going to happen (which is synonymous with something i was told was a complete impossibility) happened - sometimes, i hate it when i'm right. then, things kept falling apart. more feelings were hurt (mine this time), and i wound up feeling left out in the cold, even though it was one of the warmest may's i ever remembered...
i'm not sure if i'm looking for closure, the chance to voice my side of the story, or if just want the chance to say what i want and need to say because i think i'll get the closure i think i need. closure is a slippery slope, though. in order for me to get this closure, i have to open a wound that seems already healed (complete with large, yucky scab, mind you...). and the worst thing is, i don't know if we can ever be friends again anyways - things won't ever be the same. i betrayed a trust and she betrayed one as well. i can say her faux pas was worse, but that's just my opinion... i lost faith in her ability to make a good choice and she lost faith in me. now, in regards to that last statement, though, her last choice - the one that was so so painful and upsetting for me to accept and, as it seems, the last one ever made in conjunction with our friendship - just compounded that feeling i had of her making poor decisions. why choose to run to someone who you don't even know? like, not "oh, you just met them" not even know - like "she lied to everyone sooooooooo many times no one knows when she's telling the truth - ever" not even know... and why oh why not even give me a chance to explain myself?!? it seems to bring me back to some initial insecurities i felt when this whole situation first arose - maybe she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore...
as i mentioned previously, i doubt either of the people i'm speaking of will never read this - it doesn't matter. writing it has been somewhat cathartic, but not as much as an email or a phone conversation would be. i don't know when i'll get to that stage - maybe never. again, i doubt it would make a difference.
i do know that the assumed statement i supposedly said didn't fall from my mouth... i do know the person she turned to, for whatever reason, isn't who she thinks they are... i do know she had doubts about them before - we discussed them together... i do know i think i'm too old for this, and i definitely know things will never go back to the way they were - ever.
it's terrible to look at your wedding pictures and feel like you don't even know some of the people in them anymore - one being because she was never who i thought she was, and the second, well, i guess it must be because of the same reason.