dear baby (part two of probably many),

dear baby,
i wanted to know that you've managed to keep things exciting (if "stressful" and "exciting" are synonyms...).since the last emergency room soirée was so enjoyable, i decided to return for an encore two weeks later. i thought i was leaking amniotic fluid, and that you were going to lose the ability to breathe, feed, and because of that, you would want to get emancipated (or worse, which if i don't say, it can't happen). i got there at around 9pm, your father showed up on his own accord shortly after. the nurses took more blood from me, i had to produce a urine sample, and i had to strip down to my skivvies and get into one of those ridiculous hospital robes. actually, make that two robes - as soon as i changed, i had to go to the bathroom. apparently, no one in emerg wanted to see my ass, so i put one on backwards to cover myself. the floor was pretty cold, even through my fuzzy socks. and you would think the floor might be a little bit cleaner - it was filthy! it just would've looked silly if i put my crocs back on, though...
regardless, i got to see you again that night - all the doctor on duty could do was perform an ultrasound and tell me that even if i was leaking your current life-blood, there wasn't anything that could be done about it. as unfortunate as it sounds, i'm guessing that's why he didn't perform an internal exam. well, that and the fact that it was 2am and i was on the verge of those awful trying-not-to-cry-so-i'm-shaking-tears... i think i made him slightly uncomfortable. my favourite part of the night, though, had to be the reappearance of the repetitious question "is this your first pregnancy?", which is always followed by that absurd little smile. the head is always tilted slightly away from me to hide their look of amusement, and the grin is usually contained to the side of the face that's not i can't fully see - but i know it's there.
i wonder every day if all of the unwed teenage (meaning 15, 16-year-old) mothers that justified my high school administration to build a day care had problems like this - if they worried about the life of their unborn baby, or if they just cared about getting high or fat... i'm sure some of them are great moms now, but i've been watching a lot of day-time television lately - and it doesn't seem like much has changed since then...
i had to get out of bed at 4:30am this morning to throw up. i'm afraid you think i don't want you... and because of that, i keep thinking you're sabotaging your birth (or, indirectly, i am). i do NOT want this to happen under any circumstances. i may be scared, and i may be anxious. i may be very concerned about not having a job, and i am truly annoyed with the terrible way my body has been reacting to you lately. but i am not annoyed with you! it's easy to stumble through my own life without worrying about where i'll be in five years, but with you on the way, i don't have the luxury of thoughts like that anymore. i sound terrible! but at least i'm honest...
in retrospect, after everything we've been through so far, i still can't wait to start the next phase of our lives together. i don't want to say anything like "i can't wait to meet you" or "i can't wait till i actually get to hold you" - i feel like i (should, at least) already know you, and that i hold you constantly.
i wish i could stop worrying about things - it's probably making you worry, and if you're worrying already, well, you're well on the way to being just like your mother - not particularly the best thing... i had an ulcer by the time i was 16 - you'll have one by the time you're 16 weeks if i keep it up...
somehow, i promise, things will work out... how odd - i sound just like my mom now...