dear baby...

dear baby,
well, i figured it's about time i acknowledged you properly. sure, i've told everyone i'm pregnant with you, and i've started taking prenatal vitamins. I'm even starting to stare at my belly (you? or am i just getting fat?) at random times... but i still haven't really acknowledged you... it's been hard to think of you as something that i'll be responsible for until the day i die, and unfortunately, responsibility has never been a strong suit of mine... what's been even harder is thinking about you as an eventual person... actually, a person now, i guess...
to tell you the truth, baby, i'm petrified.
i mean, i have a hard enough time taking care of myself! i've never really eaten well - "pizza" is a food group for me - how can i feed you properly? how can i be sure you're going to get all the vitamins and minerals you need? there's always flintstone vitamins to rely on, but i'm not really sure they even make a difference (your grandma used to give them to your uncle and i as a treat sometimes!). how am i going to prevent you from developing an allergy to peanuts? or gluten? or even the sun, god dammit? there are so many things i've been worried about... i know i probably shouldn't ("worrying is bad for the baby, april..." see what i mean? i've heard that i don't know how many times now!), but i worry about everything all the time! that's just the way i am... so, if i'm like this with my own life, how big of a control freak am i going to be with yours? i worry about that, too, just to let you know...
i don't want to ever think i ruined your life somehow... i know that sounds a little far-fetched, but i was a teenager once too (at least i have some of the lingo down... as uncool as that probably just sounded...) and i'm sure i was convinced my parents ruined my life once or twice...
since you've been around, though, everything's changed! i've realized how much fun i don't have when i'm not drinking (as bad as that sounds), and because of that, began to realize how annoying i must've been when i was drunk. i've become more self-conscious - ever since i started gaining weight before you were even thought of, i was getting self-conscious, but this is a whole other ball game. the unfortunate thing about this ball game, though, is that instead of the ump yelling "yer out!", he's screaming "yer fat!" to my thighs...
i'm also the most self-absorbed person you'll ever meet... someone told me last night that i was a bitch in high school. i thought i was making a conscious effort to be nice to everyone, but i guess i was wrong... i asked my two best friends (who, by the way, knew me in highschool) and they said i was fine... if anyone has a reason to lie, though, it's those two. if they told me i rained on even one person's parade, i'd never let them forget it. i'd pester them until they they eventually broke down, wrote me a detailed list of everyone i possibly upset, followed up by a folder of google maps getting me to all of their houses with the least amount of construction traffic.
see? i'm a neurotic mess...