i've come to a decision - i am no longer living my life for moments; i'm going to live it through them.
i'm not going to wait for moments to happen, and i'm not going to expect them to either. all because of a song...
i started a book club because i wanted to be "moved" again. i think i had forgotten about music... sometimes, you hear a song that forces you to relate, forces you to listen. a song that almost makes you get into an accident when you're driving... if i could do anything in the world, it would be to write one song that makes just one person feel that...
it's hard to find someone who can relate to that feeling. i mean, i have friends who like music, but i don't have many friends who love it... i don't have many friends who cry because of lyrics...
one line in one song i had heard a million times before sums it up pretty well - "and the four right chords can make me cry". as sad as it is, the singer of said band has used his mediocre star-power to bed lots and lots of hollywood ass, but hey, we can't all be sincere...
i wish i could still write all the time... i wish i didn't have to fight to turn it on... it's painful for me to hear someone sing when i just know their eyes are closed...
i've also come to the realization that i'm selfish. not "i sometimes take the last piece of candy" selfish - like seriously selfish. i want things to be about me, or sometimes, it's hard for me to listen. that's pretty honest and bare, but it's true. it's also kind of scary to realize, especially when i'm in the process of being a mother. am i going to continue to be so fucking self-centered, or will i change? and that poses a whole new mess to think about - how can i continue being myself if i have to change that one, huge part of me? because i'm sure it's not something that's come up in the past few years - i'm pretty sure i've always been happiest when the world revolves around my new t-shirt...
that could possibly be why i'm having so many problems adjusting to life lately. i met a girl at work (well, not really "met", i knew her from years ago) who remembered me from high school. too bad she remembered me as a collective... i mean, it's been almost 10 years (god! it has been a long time!). is that how people remember him? probably not... why does my celebrity status have to be encumbered by his? what-the-fuck-ever... honestly, i feel badly for joe... we've been married for almost two years, together for almost seven, and all people can remember is that i dated some guy who sings in a fucking band now...
passion is over-rated anyways... i think... or maybe it can be expressed in different levels... i've never thought of it like that. i've always been so over-the-top with everything i've ever felt anything for that maybe i've missed too many subtleties... that probably goes hand-in-hand with being self-involved, i guess...
so, to answer your question, i'm definitely both... i coined the term - i make the rules... let me have this one, ok?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
in regards to your question -
i'm not sure...
i am sure, though,
that i have been both
happily...
once,
when i was idealistic and loved
pretty boys
with guitars,
i saw life in breezes and sun rays...
i saw hope in creek currents
and had pieces of joy
caught in my hair with the dandelion seeds...
i was moved
constantly
stirred by the slightest smile.
now,
i stumble over concrete curbs
and watch my reflection
waver in puddles.
a part of me
was stolen
by those warm, fragrant breezes...
sometimes, though,
i can still see her
when i look at the sun
through my eyelashes...
i'm not sure...
i am sure, though,
that i have been both
happily...
once,
when i was idealistic and loved
pretty boys
with guitars,
i saw life in breezes and sun rays...
i saw hope in creek currents
and had pieces of joy
caught in my hair with the dandelion seeds...
i was moved
constantly
stirred by the slightest smile.
now,
i stumble over concrete curbs
and watch my reflection
waver in puddles.
a part of me
was stolen
by those warm, fragrant breezes...
sometimes, though,
i can still see her
when i look at the sun
through my eyelashes...
Friday, February 15, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
twenty-five minutes until "lost" starts, so i'm left with some time to kill. i'm sure there's a plethora of mind-numbing shows on tv, but i already have enough fears of losing my intelligence and creativity - no need to fan the flames.
top things i want to understand in the near future:
1. the need to be desired. i'm actually sure i am desired. joe tells me everyday how beautiful i am, and i can still look in the mirror and see that my eyes are still that slightly alarming shade of green they've always been. maybe it's just i don't see myself the way i used to... essentially, i just feel fat and dumpy. all of the weight i intended to lose last year at this time has compounded into this lump on my stomach. all of the clothes i wanted to save because one day, i would fit into them again were snatched-up by eager friends or donated...
self-esteem is so fickle... i probably shouldn't care that i'm getting fat. i shouldn't care that even my damn fingers seem like sausages, and i shouldn't care that my breasts are only going to get saggier... what i should be caring about is maintaining a healthy level of emotional stability because it's "good for the baby"... honestly, though, it doesn't even feel like i'm pregnant... it feels like i'm turning into a blimp...
why is it so important for me to be attractive? i mean, what would life had been like if i was never even remotely attractive? i'm sure i'd still be breathing... hell - i might even be happier than i am now! if i didn't have something to compare it to, i wouldn't have something to complain about...
i always have to be the best - the smartest, the prettiest, the most intriguing... the most, well, everything...
i guess i should've given myself more time to compile this list...
top things i want to understand in the near future:
1. the need to be desired. i'm actually sure i am desired. joe tells me everyday how beautiful i am, and i can still look in the mirror and see that my eyes are still that slightly alarming shade of green they've always been. maybe it's just i don't see myself the way i used to... essentially, i just feel fat and dumpy. all of the weight i intended to lose last year at this time has compounded into this lump on my stomach. all of the clothes i wanted to save because one day, i would fit into them again were snatched-up by eager friends or donated...
self-esteem is so fickle... i probably shouldn't care that i'm getting fat. i shouldn't care that even my damn fingers seem like sausages, and i shouldn't care that my breasts are only going to get saggier... what i should be caring about is maintaining a healthy level of emotional stability because it's "good for the baby"... honestly, though, it doesn't even feel like i'm pregnant... it feels like i'm turning into a blimp...
why is it so important for me to be attractive? i mean, what would life had been like if i was never even remotely attractive? i'm sure i'd still be breathing... hell - i might even be happier than i am now! if i didn't have something to compare it to, i wouldn't have something to complain about...
i always have to be the best - the smartest, the prettiest, the most intriguing... the most, well, everything...
i guess i should've given myself more time to compile this list...
Saturday, February 02, 2008
dear baby,
i just read some very disturbing news about the toronto district school board (i know, i know - we don't live in toronto and we probably never will. but because of the suave sophistication and malls, what happens there has a very strong impact on the rest of ontario - mainly us) - they decided to open a "black-focused" school. seriously? i don't get it... because there's a higher drop-out rate for black students? because we need to curb their desires to be gansta', and the best way to do this is by segregation? oh wait - i get it! by putting all the black kids in one school, they'll all either lose their desire to be rap superstars and turn white (even though they're not even around white students anymore...), or they'll just kill themselves off with drive-bys and crack! why, oh why would any educated black person want to be segregated? if the tdsb thinks the presence of gangs is too high now, just wait and see what'll eventually (and probably soon) go down. schools already post signs saying "no colours". there are already metal detectors in entryways. there is already and overabundance of gang violence in all our communities. why add fuel to the fire?
and let's all take a stab (no pun intended, my homies) at where the funds will be appropriated from for this venture. i mean, we all know there's not a surplus or anything like that - we live in ontario, for christ's sake! alberta, maybe, but definitely not ontario... my guess? from the people that have the hardest time defending themselves, and from the ones who need it the most - the handicapped. my brother (and your uncle) is now 25-years-old. and for the past, oh, 25-years, your family has been witness to possibly the most disgusting displays of government ignorance ever (well, probably not ever, i'm sure there's been worse, and there's always tomorrow to look forward to!). see, people like your uncle need assistance. they need people to help them - they're not just looking for hand-outs. i've seen more budget cuts, cut-backs, and funding cuts than suge knight's seen warrants... it's been sad, of course. but if funds from people who truly need them are being directly siphoned (ok, blatently for a change) to fund something those involved with don't even care about, well, it makes me sick. most of the people who should benefit from the school probably won't even care! they probably won't even go! the implications to my brother, though, will be devastating.
one good thing that could possibly come of this is there may be less upper-middle class white brats acting ghetto... that would be a definite plus in my books. but unless they contain rap city and 50cent cds to these new geared-to-colour institutions, well, the wannabe white kids will still wannabe black! you know, of all the races that have been discriminated against in the past, why the blacks? is it because they can dance? because most of them can carry a tune? or because most of them are perceived to be carrying a gun or the keys to a stolen whip with phat dubs (or something like that...)? could it be because ebonics are cool? i mean, the jews have their own language, style (yarmukles, anyone?), even their own holidays! and if you want to talk about persecution, well, i realize being hung from a tree must've sucked - a lot - but c'mon, being taken from your home and family, nearly starved to death, then, tricked into "taking a shower", only to be gassed? the kkk was awful, that's certain... but where do you think they derived their ideals? and the nazis could've kicked their white-robed asses (if they weren't technically on the same side, i guess...)! a rap about being shoveled into a huge hole with thousands of dead people would be way more powerful than, say, one about having to sling crack on the corner to buy new rims...
and i'm sure if more people than my immediate friends read this, the assumption may be made that i'm crossing the line a bit. maybe i am, but honestly, i'm tired of all this ghetto-gansta-i'm-better-than-you-because-i-had-to-hustle-to-buy-this-$400-jacket-shit! it's a joke! i mean, get an education, get a job, get a mortgage on a goddamn three-bedroom because you'll never make it big pushin' rhymes like weight... i've had to let go of my aspirations of grandeur - you all should too! a separatist attitude isn't going to change any of the ghetto-fab kid's outlook - it will only promote it. and besides, where will our kids learn to dance? you can only learn so much from rap city... and frankly, mtv doesn't even play videos anymore...
i just read some very disturbing news about the toronto district school board (i know, i know - we don't live in toronto and we probably never will. but because of the suave sophistication and malls, what happens there has a very strong impact on the rest of ontario - mainly us) - they decided to open a "black-focused" school. seriously? i don't get it... because there's a higher drop-out rate for black students? because we need to curb their desires to be gansta', and the best way to do this is by segregation? oh wait - i get it! by putting all the black kids in one school, they'll all either lose their desire to be rap superstars and turn white (even though they're not even around white students anymore...), or they'll just kill themselves off with drive-bys and crack! why, oh why would any educated black person want to be segregated? if the tdsb thinks the presence of gangs is too high now, just wait and see what'll eventually (and probably soon) go down. schools already post signs saying "no colours". there are already metal detectors in entryways. there is already and overabundance of gang violence in all our communities. why add fuel to the fire?
and let's all take a stab (no pun intended, my homies) at where the funds will be appropriated from for this venture. i mean, we all know there's not a surplus or anything like that - we live in ontario, for christ's sake! alberta, maybe, but definitely not ontario... my guess? from the people that have the hardest time defending themselves, and from the ones who need it the most - the handicapped. my brother (and your uncle) is now 25-years-old. and for the past, oh, 25-years, your family has been witness to possibly the most disgusting displays of government ignorance ever (well, probably not ever, i'm sure there's been worse, and there's always tomorrow to look forward to!). see, people like your uncle need assistance. they need people to help them - they're not just looking for hand-outs. i've seen more budget cuts, cut-backs, and funding cuts than suge knight's seen warrants... it's been sad, of course. but if funds from people who truly need them are being directly siphoned (ok, blatently for a change) to fund something those involved with don't even care about, well, it makes me sick. most of the people who should benefit from the school probably won't even care! they probably won't even go! the implications to my brother, though, will be devastating.
one good thing that could possibly come of this is there may be less upper-middle class white brats acting ghetto... that would be a definite plus in my books. but unless they contain rap city and 50cent cds to these new geared-to-colour institutions, well, the wannabe white kids will still wannabe black! you know, of all the races that have been discriminated against in the past, why the blacks? is it because they can dance? because most of them can carry a tune? or because most of them are perceived to be carrying a gun or the keys to a stolen whip with phat dubs (or something like that...)? could it be because ebonics are cool? i mean, the jews have their own language, style (yarmukles, anyone?), even their own holidays! and if you want to talk about persecution, well, i realize being hung from a tree must've sucked - a lot - but c'mon, being taken from your home and family, nearly starved to death, then, tricked into "taking a shower", only to be gassed? the kkk was awful, that's certain... but where do you think they derived their ideals? and the nazis could've kicked their white-robed asses (if they weren't technically on the same side, i guess...)! a rap about being shoveled into a huge hole with thousands of dead people would be way more powerful than, say, one about having to sling crack on the corner to buy new rims...
and i'm sure if more people than my immediate friends read this, the assumption may be made that i'm crossing the line a bit. maybe i am, but honestly, i'm tired of all this ghetto-gansta-i'm-better-than-you-because-i-had-to-hustle-to-buy-this-$400-jacket-shit! it's a joke! i mean, get an education, get a job, get a mortgage on a goddamn three-bedroom because you'll never make it big pushin' rhymes like weight... i've had to let go of my aspirations of grandeur - you all should too! a separatist attitude isn't going to change any of the ghetto-fab kid's outlook - it will only promote it. and besides, where will our kids learn to dance? you can only learn so much from rap city... and frankly, mtv doesn't even play videos anymore...
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