Thursday, February 28, 2008

i've come to a decision - i am no longer living my life for moments; i'm going to live it through them.
i'm not going to wait for moments to happen, and i'm not going to expect them to either. all because of a song...
i started a book club because i wanted to be "moved" again. i think i had forgotten about music... sometimes, you hear a song that forces you to relate, forces you to listen. a song that almost makes you get into an accident when you're driving... if i could do anything in the world, it would be to write one song that makes just one person feel that...
it's hard to find someone who can relate to that feeling. i mean, i have friends who like music, but i don't have many friends who love it... i don't have many friends who cry because of lyrics...
one line in one song i had heard a million times before sums it up pretty well - "and the four right chords can make me cry". as sad as it is, the singer of said band has used his mediocre star-power to bed lots and lots of hollywood ass, but hey, we can't all be sincere...
i wish i could still write all the time... i wish i didn't have to fight to turn it on... it's painful for me to hear someone sing when i just know their eyes are closed...
i've also come to the realization that i'm selfish. not "i sometimes take the last piece of candy" selfish - like seriously selfish. i want things to be about me, or sometimes, it's hard for me to listen. that's pretty honest and bare, but it's true. it's also kind of scary to realize, especially when i'm in the process of being a mother. am i going to continue to be so fucking self-centered, or will i change? and that poses a whole new mess to think about - how can i continue being myself if i have to change that one, huge part of me? because i'm sure it's not something that's come up in the past few years - i'm pretty sure i've always been happiest when the world revolves around my new t-shirt...
that could possibly be why i'm having so many problems adjusting to life lately. i met a girl at work (well, not really "met", i knew her from years ago) who remembered me from high school. too bad she remembered me as a collective... i mean, it's been almost 10 years (god! it has been a long time!). is that how people remember him? probably not... why does my celebrity status have to be encumbered by his? what-the-fuck-ever... honestly, i feel badly for joe... we've been married for almost two years, together for almost seven, and all people can remember is that i dated some guy who sings in a fucking band now...
passion is over-rated anyways... i think... or maybe it can be expressed in different levels... i've never thought of it like that. i've always been so over-the-top with everything i've ever felt anything for that maybe i've missed too many subtleties... that probably goes hand-in-hand with being self-involved, i guess...
so, to answer your question, i'm definitely both... i coined the term - i make the rules... let me have this one, ok?

2 comments:

Sarajevo Rose said...

Okay, you can have this one.

Anonymous said...

so i just started reading your blog and i am going to keep reading, but it is funny that you talk about this because i JUST has a conversation about this the other day with a friend and i had to tell you about it. a lot of people just "listen" to music, but i really listen to it...i hear the lyrics and relate. it is funny how one song can bring you back to a happy time or a sad time and it doesnt even have to be a whole song - it can be one simple verse or just the song itself can remind you of where and when you were when you first heard it. so many people express themselves through their music, or use it to reach out in some cases and people dont even realize it. i often wondered if i was the only person who felt that way, but i guess not!
as for the selfish thing, i think everyone is selfish in their own way. i am so selfish i have become a little (a lot) antisocial. it will definately change when the baby comes. i can almost guarantee it! your priorities change.