dear baby,

i'm scared to call you "junior" now - i'm afraid i may jinx something...
i wish it were me instead of you. i wish i hadn't gotten so comfortable - every time i do, everything that's even a little pragmatic about me is thrown out the window. i start day-dreaming, i can actually write again, i get happy. and frankly, it's easier being a realist. when you're happy, things can only get worse - true story...
your mom's just graduated to full-out pessimist i think...
for people who actually read this tripe, i guess i should fill you in - something is wrong with the baby. something "common" apparently. honestly, though, what the fuck does "common" mean these days anyways? i mean, one in a little over one-hundred children is autistic to some degree. alcoholism and cancer are running rampant, and when thalidomide was all the rage, how many babies were born with flippers? how is the term "common" supposed to make me feel better?
regardless, the "common" condition i'm a tad worried about is enlarged kidneys. my unborn son's enlarged kidneys, to be exact... i'm never really good with the term "don't panic"... the guide would be useless to me (douglas adams, for those who didn't get that reference). normally, when i hear anything even remotely related to "don't worry", i kind of go the other way too. call it silly, say i over-react, call it fucking rebellion if you want - it's just what i do. it's probably all of those great things i re-acquire when i finally stop worrying and get comfortable... damn you, overactive right-side-of-brain...
so anyways, i was getting ready for work. it seemed like it was going to be a normal day filled with people fawning over my cute pregnant belly, eating until junior lets me stop, and taking calls from stupid americans just so i can get my hours in to go on mat leave in about two months. i looked at the phone and noticed my midwife's office called yesterday. i don't have my next appointment scheduled until the middle of april, so i called joe to see if they left a message and he just forgot to tell me. of course, i was upset he didn't even mention they called, but whatever - i would get over it. as i was talking to him and found out they didn't leave a message, i got a bit worried. a change in appointment means "message". a "hi, april! it's me, isabelle! i'm back now!" means "message". in turn, a call that results in no message normally means "i have something bad to tell you so i'm going to wait till i can talk to you personally - or atleast over the phone". i got progressively upset. my voice got higher, i got a little bit angrier (ok, probably a lot angrier, but hey, i'm pregnant) - during my last visit, my fill-in midwife, allison, advised me that unless something was wrong (after also informing me that all the results they've received so far looked good - "but that doesn't mean the baby doesn't have down's or spinabifida"... i think she's a people person...), i would not get a call. this was specified about three times - i WILL NOT get called UNLESS something is wrong.
hey - have a gun lying around? if so, i'm going to jump it...
almost having to empty my lunch bag to wheeze into, i hung up with my poor, unsuspecting husband and dialed my midwife's office. no one answered. not sure how anyone else's issues could be more pressing than my own, i called back - about six times repeatedly - until the new receptionist answered the phone. i had heard from a few people about the local midwife's (as well as their staff's) incompetencies, and experienced some of it for myself already. i wasn't really in the mood to deal with a woman who seemed only slightly smarter than the lunch bag sitting on my counter. i had to, though, and was not impressed by what she told me.
"hmmmmm, april... i'm not sure why anyone called you! let me get your chart..."
she put me on hold for a total of four beeps, and came back on the line with "ok... for some reason, your chart was in isabelle's (permanent midwife) office..." (gasp! i removed my pb and j sandwich from my lunch bag in preparation) "let me see here... well, i don't see anything wrong with your chart..."
"ummm, yvette?" i asked. my voice was just on the verge of being shaky at this point... i took out my cookies for good measure. "are you a midwife? i mean, not to be rude, but is there someone else there i could talk to? allison (fill-in midwife) told me unless something was wrong, NO ONE WOULD CALL ME. and i know someone called me... soooooo, i mean, i'm not a midwife, but that could probably mean that something is wrong and that i should probably talk to someone..."
clearing her throat, yvette responded in her best "i know i'm not a midwife either, but i do answer the phone (occasionally) in a midwife's office" voice - "well, isabelle's not in until noon... maybe you should page her..."
remove water, kool-aid packets, granola bars, and pudding...
"i should WHAT?"
"well, page her, hon... you sound worried - i don't think anything is wrong, but you should page her just to make sure."
in my book, "just to make sure" is a synonym for "don't panic!", which, in turn, is the description for "don't worry".
i don't even think i said good-bye to the new recipient of april's "foul-up of the year due to complete, utter incompetence" award... i think i told her i would call back in a few minutes, grabbed my lunch bag, and tried to breathe... that's kind of what i remember... i didn't faint or anything, but i started coughing and couldn't stop. i called joe - he told me to call in sick to work (that's how i knew he was worried...), stop by the shop (ok, maybe not worried - maybe developing generalized anxiety disorder...), and to page isabelle. i think i hung up on him, too... i called the automated sick-line, swore at it for a few minutes, exhaled into my bag a few hundred times, kicked my cupboards, and finally received my "confirmation number"... i felt like i just paid a bill or signed up for something... oh well...
i then called my midwife's office back.
as soon as i told yvette my name, i heard "ALLISON! IT'S APRIL!" by now, my bag is breathing on it's own... i am very proud to say i may have saved a life today - or created a new one... "oh, hi hon!" LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG! how-the-fuck-dare-she??
i think she could feel the seething through the phone and instantly put me on hold after quickly spurting "allison's here and she's gonna talk to you!"
two more beeps...
"april!" allison always has a way of talking that makes me feel like she doesn't like me. well, not so much like she doesn't like me - more in a sense that if i were a bug, she would step on me an relish in the sound of my shell crunching underneath her shoe... "you have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! DON'T PANIC!" if anybody should understand the whole "don't panic!" thing, it should be her! i mean, wasn't douglas adam's british? if not, i know arthur is! allison is british - there should be some sort of connection there...
time to get a new bag...
"your baby has an enlarged kidney... possibly both. it's completely common, not really an indicator for anything to be too worried about, and you shouldn't be so upset. we're going to schedule a follow-up ultrasound in about four weeks, so just calm down!"
oh yeah - i forgot to mention what "calm down" does to me - the reaction is a little bit more explosive than that to "don't panic!", which is akin to "don't worry"... i'm sure you get the picture by now... and i will warn you, the slightly-more "explosive" response that phrase elicits is a bit-more-than-slightly louder...
"A WHAT?!?! 'FOLLOW-UP' ULTRASOUND?!? WHAT, ALLISON, ARE WE EXACTLY 'FOLLOWING-UP' ON IF IT'S SOOOOOO COMMON AND 'NOT REALLY AN INDICATOR FOR ANYTHING TO BE TOO WORRIED ABOUT'?" i think i yelled for a few more minutes, because my throat still hurts... it's been two hours... so yeah, at least a couple of minutes...
like i said earlier, allison is a "people person" - "CALM DOWN!"
this was definitely not going anywhere even remotely near "good"...
so, after hanging up (i'm sure i said "bye" this time. even though she's not exactly nice, she does scare me - a lot...), i googled "enlarged kidneys in ultrasounds". common - yes... but for fuck's sake - there's a goddamn rapper named "common!
anyways, it can be a "soft marker" (whatever that means...) for down's syndrome, it can cause frequent bladder infections, it can be severe to the point that the baby may need surgery immediately after birth to correct the problem, and it could be nothing. it is also far more common in boys...
how ironic would it be if i killed an optimist to steal their soul? i mean, the optimist would still have to be murdered, but how could they possibly rationalize their death being a good thing? i could rationalize it, but i'm not the optimist... yet...
someone asked me a few days ago if, when i was writing my blog last july, the thought that i would have a child a year later had ever occurred to me. honestly, at the time, it hadn't. if someone were to ask me now, though, if the thought that in a year from now, i wouldn't have a child had ever occurred to me, i would probably punch them. or, just get frankenbag to carry out the hit...

baby, i don't like being scared for you... i honestly never thought i would grow so attached. that probably sounds terrible, but it's true. i feel a bit better now that i wrote all of this down - i think i put it in perspective...

i'm going to be an optimist (if only for a minute) - everything is going to be ok... i promise...

i love you, junior...