i guess i'll start off saying 2008 was a pretty heavy year. july brought more than the typical southwestern ontario humidity - it brought my son into my life. honestly - never in a million, billion years did i think my life would have changed as drastically as it did. and i never would have thought all of the things i swore i would never do are exactly the things i do most. for example - joey sleeps beside me every night. i visit a chiropractor now because i have issues with my right side. well, technically speaking, i've had issues with my right side for awhile now - well before joey was even a twinkle in my eye. they've just become severely aggravated due to the fact that i can't roll over or pretty much even move anymore at night. this, though, is fine by me. i'm pretty sure he may be able to sleep in his crib (he's passed out on top of the covers on our bed right now after falling asleep on me on the couch - if i had put him in his crib, he might not have been the wiser). i just don't know if i could handle waking up without him beside me anymore. i know i'll have to eventually, and god (and pretty much everyone else) knows our house isn't exactly a mansion - it's not like he'd be in a different wing or anything. no matter how much my back hurts, and no matter how much i complain, i love feeling his snug, warm little body dreaming under my hand.
i also have a very hard time leaving him - anywhere. if he winds up with a terrible case of separation anxiety, i'll be the one to blame. i pull his bassinet into the bathroom after me when i have a shower, and i carry him to the laundry room when i change loads. he sits with me on the couch, and he checks my emails with me every morning. when i'm away from him i actually get anxious. i mean very anxious. at least, i did the three times i was apart from him for more than an hour... did i mention he's six months this friday?
if he, for some miraculous grace of god, doesn't suffer from separation disorders, his mother most definitely will. which is something else i guess i'll just have to deal with.
expecting to drop to a size eight immediately after delivering might have been a little lofty. i have yet to lose the rest of my pregnancy weight (which i guess it ok since my boobs are huge because i'm still breastfeeding - the only thing i actually intended on doing - and they, thankfully, off-set my belly) though, and this was another one of my intended goals before 2009 kicked off.
on another note, though, i am a blonde again...
in all actuality, i probably wouldn't really change a thing. i know i should be getting out a lot more, and i know i should be dropping the hammer a bit more on joe to start watching the boy so i can - it's just hard. i know it's not one of those things that's going to get easier as he gets older either - i'm sitting dangerously close on the edge of over-protectiveness and shut-in and at this point, it doesn't matter which way i fall - i'm going to end up kind of like like jimmy stewart in rear window (and joey will probably end up like bates)... i just have to try and step back.
so, for 2009, i don't really have any actual resolutions. i don't smoke anymore, i hardly ever drink, and losing weight will probably be inevitable when i give up breastfeeding. i know i have to let go of a lot of anxiety (like what i'm going to do in six months when my maternity leave runs out) and i'll have to start getting out more. but those things can come with time...
this was supposed to be a lot more in depth - it was supposed to be a lot more fluent too... that may come back to me as well...
No comments:
Post a Comment