it's been awhile... (and that WASN'T a stained reference...)

i think i must have procrastination issues... or laziness issues... or... something... i seem to have a hard time getting on here and writing...
well now, boys and girls, i have a reason - PREGNANCY SUCKS. i feel terrible saying that, but maybe it's just because the majority of the population writes it off as this beautiful, life changing event... beautiful? seriously? wtf? i mean, i've had more pimples in the past three months than i've had in 12 years, i've gained ten pounds (but recently lost five - doesn't look like it AT ALL and will be explained fully in the next few paragraphs), i think my eyes are moving closer together (i know... probably impossible, but the way things are going for me, well, i wouldn't put it past anyone...), and maybe, in some far-off reaches of the planet, excessive gas (too much information i'm sure) might possibly be seen as an attractive trait, but i think even my dogs find it repulsive in this neck of the woods... so "life changing"? definitely. but in no sense of the word do i feel beautiful... joe keeps telling me i am (well, he basically just tries to convince me i'm not disgusting... if he even tries to tell me i'm pretty, i kinda tear his head off...), and i'm sure i'm not really as ugly as i feel, but shouldn't i feel beautiful? why am i blessed/cursed with friends who have all had almost perfect pregnancies? i'm very happy for their experiences, but why does mine have to suck? i mean, i quit drinking, i quit smoking (smoking! me! i quit! cold-fucking-turkey, mofo...), haven't been lifting heavy objects and have given up any thoughts of dieting (well, the last one was easy enough, but i still don't want to be fat!). i think i've done everything i possibly could to ensure this experience will be as "magical" and "enlightening" as all the shitty books i've read and all the crappy television i've watched said it's supposed to be...
and to top it all off, i've gotten stupider (see? i'm sure that's not even remotely grammatically correct, but honestly, what the fuck is anyone going to do to me that's going to be any worse than what i'm going through right now?)! another "symptom" of pregnancy... i mean, if it's not supposed to suck, why does pregnancy have "symptoms" and "side effects" like so many illnesses? is it only the unlucky suckers like me who experience "symptoms"? do the happy pregos have these things "included", like the free make-up bag you get when you spend $50 or more at the clinique counter? AUUUGGGHH!!!
so, i'm sure if anyone is actually reading this, you may be wondering where all of this seemingly unbridled hostility and anger is really stemming from... well then... here's where the story begins...
for the past week, maybe week and a half, i've been experiencing symptoms EXACTLY like strep throat (i had it twice last year - february and june, so i know exactly what to expect). i am also very aware of rhinitis of pregnancy (some other terrible "symptom" that is earmarked by excessive mucous build-up due to higher amounts of estrogen during pregnancy and swelling of the nasal menbranes... in layman's terms - i am eternally stuffed up and cannot take any decongestants... awesome), and knew it wasn't this as i've been affected with that little gem for almost two months now! so, because of the severely sore (to the point of closing) throat, coughing, lack of sleep and earache, i went to the e.r. tonight. and oh yeah - the BRIGHT red dots and marks on the back of my throat and on my tonsils also told me it may be a good idea to stop in and have a talk with the doc on duty... LOTS of websites informed me if i was experiencing any of these symptoms, i should take a trip to the e.r, let alone all of them. the telehealth nurse told me to get my ass in there as well (those were just little examples to try and prove i'm neither crazy nor a hypochondriac). so, i waited just over two hours to see the doctor. when he waltzed into the exam room, i was a little bit shocked - gone were the trappings of what makes a "typical" doctor - dress pants, white lab jacket, wire-rim glasses, sensible shoes, salt and pepper hair cut in a sensible crew-cut... instead, what walked in the exam room looked like one of my old veterinarians i had to call for an emergency visit at midnight - the only major difference was the vet was wearing birkinstocks with mis-matched socks - the doctor was wearing hiking boots. i can't say for sure his socks didn't match, but i also can't say for sure they did... well, either my old vet or a guy who owned a head shop - one or the other... above the well-worn hiking boots, a pair of faded jeans rested. holes were beginning to wear in the left knee giving them a sort-of lopsided look. his shirt was a short-sleeve, teal scrub top that was covered in no-less-than 50 steel-gray hairs... he should have been wearing a hair-net, or at least tried to contain his very, very long hair in a tighter pony-tail. no glasses, and it seemed like th only time this guy ever set foot on a golf course was to protest the separation-of-class sometime in the sixties... needless to say, i wasn't sure how this visit was going to turn out... was he going to prescribe vast amounts of marijuana, grown in his indoor hydro operation? or would he take the holistic "make sure the honey you put in your lemon herbal tea is ONLY from bees from a cruelty-free organic bee ranch"? i also began to wonder if he was ever a member of the peace corps, and if he ever examined pregnant ethiopian women who probably relished gaining weight... the exam began with a quick look up my nose (which still hurts), rubbing of my neck/throat, a peek in my ears (which were proclaimed "dull"), and a glance at the suspicious-looking red spots on my inflamed tonsils. the whole ordeal lasted all of ten minutes, at which point the doctor i suspected of driving a hybrid while blaring simon and garfunkel informed me there was NO infection... none! and that i may have to just "deal with it" UNTIL THE END OF MY PREGNANCY!!! no throat swab, no listening to the rumbling in my chest, nothing. well, there was something - a feeling that i was going completely crazy - had all of these "symptoms" (term used correctly - i did think i was actually ill, after all!) been in my head? a convenient excuse to lounge on the couch while eating my lactose-free ice cream? i should hope-the-fuck-not! i have a valid excuse to lay around being incorrigible - these "side-effects" may very well stick with me until this baby makes it's way out, i'm going to get fat, my stomach is going to stretch (among other things that need not be mentioned here...), and to quote one of the (only) movies that shows pregnancy in it's true light - i'm going to have to "squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon!" in about less than six months! so sue me for feeling slightly self-indulgent...
don't get me wrong, either - i am excited. i know i'm a part of this "great big plan" that's made up of life and pro-creation... i just wish i could appreciate it without a puke bucket, box of lotion-enriched kleenexes and a tub of vaporub beside me... oh well... i can always blame the hostility on my huge hormonal imbalance - at least i know that's not in my head...