wow... it's been awhile...
anyone who reads this would obviously know junior is fine now... from my last post, it appeared something was terribly wrong. well, i guess i was being a little paranoid (which is normal for me...). it's just good to know everything is ok with the little guy. well, i mean, as far as i know. i still get unnecessarily paranoid, but as things stand right now, he's good.
i think the reason i worry so much is because everything for me always seems to be such a struggle, why on earth should anything ever happen without a hitch?
this will probably be my last post before junior is born... according to my "edd" ("estimated due date" - one of the many wonderful acronyms i've learned since conception), i only have 15 day left. so, if all goes according to plan, i'll be a mother in 15 days. unnerving? very much so... whenever i'm in wal-mart and i hear someone's screaming brat, my ire rises and i feel awful! i mean, shouldn't i be sympathizing or something? shouldn't i understand? all i get out of the whole situation is a strong desire for a stiff drink...
what if i'm not matronly? what if i'm not cut out for all this mommy stuff? it all seemed like such a good idea at the time... sure, i liked kids! i liked playing with them, i liked buying them presents, i liked taking them fun places... but at the end of the day, i was never really responsible for molding them into contributing members of society.
i look at other parents i know and wonder to myself how i could be any worse than they are... i mean, some people should just not be allowed to breed. but, what if i'm one of those people? and i'm sure someone reading this will come back with "well, if you weren't sufficiently matronly or motherly, you wouldn't be having these concerns! you'll be a great mother!" i've heard that about 72,650,523 times in the past nine months, and as of yet, it hasn't done anything but put me off even more. i mean, that is something a mother would say! so, in a sense, i still need to be mothered! and how good is that going to work out?
i've started to wonder what he's going to be like. is he going to have an imagination? is that something that can be cultured, or does he have to be born with it? will he become resentful of me as he ages? will he be able to write? will he pick good friends and influences? and, most importantly, will he be colicky?
it's strange - like, if he was a girl, shaping her into something i want seems easier. i know you're not supposed to live vicariously through your children, but that in itself seems difficult.
in general, it's all so fucking scary...
the truth is, i'm not very good with real change. dying and cutting my hair so i look like a totally different person - love it. driving someone else's car - great experience. new job - bring it on. totally changing every aspect of my life for the rest of eternity- maybe a little extreme for my taste.
i guess there's no going back now, though, which is probably the best thing that could veer happen to me.
everyone keeps asking me "are you ready for the baby?" really? ready? am i ever going to be ready for the baby? his room is painted, the crib is assembled, my hospital bag is packed (well, almost), and we have a complete name chosen. other than the whole mental-preparedness-thing, i'm totally set! thanks for asking!
the dogs have taken to hanging out in his room - it's very endearing, like they're waiting for him. i'm sure they're much more prepared than i am...