it's been four months now. i'm a mother... there is no possible way i ever could have imagined how much things would change - how priorities would shift, how friendships would begin to fail, and how feelings would begin to falter. believe me - things have changed...
it's also been almost a year since i've drank or smoked. i kind of feel like a recovering addict - like i have a cross to bear and a badge to prove it. it's a strange combination of pride and loss. by that i mean i think i miss drinking and smoking - or possibly, i just miss the socialization that comes along with them - but i'm proud i no longer drag those crutches. it's nice to not have to go outside in the rain or cold to placate my nicotine addiction. at the same time though, there's nothing like sitting under a tree watching the breeze carry your exhaled smoke off...
on the other hand, i wouldn't give what i have now up for any vice in the world.
fuck! i can't write anymore!
i'm still a contradiction.
i am a proud mother - pride is so close to competition. i'm amazed and scared by the carnal feelings of pride that swell inside of me every time i realize joey has completed a "milestone" before another child his age or when he outgrows something. it means he's progressing, and i like to think i had something to do with it. i am so protective over him. i feel connected to the mother lions i watch on national geographic when they see their cubs rip apart a kill for the first time.
motherhood is scary. it's very easy to let feelings of isolation sink in. i tell joe daily i need to get out - that he needs to develop confidence in himself so he can watch joey so i can get away for a bit. i am with him 24-hours a day - seriously. i sleep with him curled up beside me. i can feel every one of his breaths, and when he stirs, i wake instantly. motherhood seems primal to me - i can imagine cave women carrying their babies close to their breasts and shielding them from the wind with their strong arms... i imagine her with my face...
regardless, it's nearly impossible for me to leave him. i have replaced cigarettes and beer with my son.
leesha thinks i use him as an excuse. an excuse for what, i'm not sure. an excuse for the fact that i have problems being myself without clouding my personality with intoxicants? i'm not sure.
sara thinks it's a control thing. to elaborate a bit on her theory, everything i wanted as a mother and envisioned before he was born has not come to fruition. joey was going to be on a schedule i created. we were going to be a parent-led family. he was going to sleep in a crib, and i was going to continue to read books and not panic when he coughs. none of that has happened. my world revolves around him, and honestly, that scares me the most. my world has never revolved around anyone except me. previously, i was one of the most egotistical, selfish people i knew. now, my biggest fear is not being good enough for a three-month old.
i've realized recently how opinionated i really am - how condescending i seem sometimes. i look at other mothers and critique them in my head. i know i shouldn't be as i've only been doing this for three months, but i do. maybe that scares me a bit - i think they may be able to feel my scorn, but most of them wouldn't care. see? there i go again...
so whether or not joe feels competent enough to stay home with him, i think i would feel like i'm letting joey down by leaving him. another theory i've deduced it that i'm slowly losing what's left of my identity. for nine months, i felt like i was "the pregnant one". now, i'm the "mom". this is still something that, no matter how much i love my son, is still had for me to grasp. i am a mother. i am not the skinny, drunk hot chick anymore. i'm not the smart, biting, cynical pessimist anymore. i am a mother. i want a minivan because it's practical.
there are still things i want - i still want to sing in a band - i miss singing. i still want to write a novel (or at least a competent blog entry). these things, though, feel unattainable. how can i be a mom in a band? i can't even be away from him!
i hope it's not postpartum. that sounds like a bad word - especially to me. i've had enough mental-instability issues in the past - i don't want one hanging around when i'm changing diapers.
joe is off again - hunting. he doesn't go out half as much as he used to, but it's still hard. i like having people around me - grown-up people. i feel like i'm losing myself sometimes, but when i look at him, it's worth it. i would give up every ounce of my personality just to have him smile at me once.
i am a mother...