when did life become all about making money and being comfortable? i know it was before i even got pregnant, but now it just seems more apparent...
i mean, i would love to be able to write as a profession. i wish i still had inspiration to write, but that's besides the point. see, the only way i could really stay home and write was if it could make me a decent living - if it could pay the bills and help support my family.
when did everything become so complicated? i think that's why i lost my inspiration in the first place - it's hard to just write for the enjoyment of writing. it seems almost fruitless unless i'm working on what could one day (hopefully while i'm still alive) become a best-seller...
why, oh why, is idealism lost right around the same time innocence is?

dear baby (part two of probably many),

dear baby,
i wanted to know that you've managed to keep things exciting (if "stressful" and "exciting" are synonyms...).since the last emergency room soirée was so enjoyable, i decided to return for an encore two weeks later. i thought i was leaking amniotic fluid, and that you were going to lose the ability to breathe, feed, and because of that, you would want to get emancipated (or worse, which if i don't say, it can't happen). i got there at around 9pm, your father showed up on his own accord shortly after. the nurses took more blood from me, i had to produce a urine sample, and i had to strip down to my skivvies and get into one of those ridiculous hospital robes. actually, make that two robes - as soon as i changed, i had to go to the bathroom. apparently, no one in emerg wanted to see my ass, so i put one on backwards to cover myself. the floor was pretty cold, even through my fuzzy socks. and you would think the floor might be a little bit cleaner - it was filthy! it just would've looked silly if i put my crocs back on, though...
regardless, i got to see you again that night - all the doctor on duty could do was perform an ultrasound and tell me that even if i was leaking your current life-blood, there wasn't anything that could be done about it. as unfortunate as it sounds, i'm guessing that's why he didn't perform an internal exam. well, that and the fact that it was 2am and i was on the verge of those awful trying-not-to-cry-so-i'm-shaking-tears... i think i made him slightly uncomfortable. my favourite part of the night, though, had to be the reappearance of the repetitious question "is this your first pregnancy?", which is always followed by that absurd little smile. the head is always tilted slightly away from me to hide their look of amusement, and the grin is usually contained to the side of the face that's not i can't fully see - but i know it's there.
i wonder every day if all of the unwed teenage (meaning 15, 16-year-old) mothers that justified my high school administration to build a day care had problems like this - if they worried about the life of their unborn baby, or if they just cared about getting high or fat... i'm sure some of them are great moms now, but i've been watching a lot of day-time television lately - and it doesn't seem like much has changed since then...
i had to get out of bed at 4:30am this morning to throw up. i'm afraid you think i don't want you... and because of that, i keep thinking you're sabotaging your birth (or, indirectly, i am). i do NOT want this to happen under any circumstances. i may be scared, and i may be anxious. i may be very concerned about not having a job, and i am truly annoyed with the terrible way my body has been reacting to you lately. but i am not annoyed with you! it's easy to stumble through my own life without worrying about where i'll be in five years, but with you on the way, i don't have the luxury of thoughts like that anymore. i sound terrible! but at least i'm honest...
in retrospect, after everything we've been through so far, i still can't wait to start the next phase of our lives together. i don't want to say anything like "i can't wait to meet you" or "i can't wait till i actually get to hold you" - i feel like i (should, at least) already know you, and that i hold you constantly.
i wish i could stop worrying about things - it's probably making you worry, and if you're worrying already, well, you're well on the way to being just like your mother - not particularly the best thing... i had an ulcer by the time i was 16 - you'll have one by the time you're 16 weeks if i keep it up...
somehow, i promise, things will work out... how odd - i sound just like my mom now...

dear baby...

dear baby,
well, i figured it's about time i acknowledged you properly. sure, i've told everyone i'm pregnant with you, and i've started taking prenatal vitamins. I'm even starting to stare at my belly (you? or am i just getting fat?) at random times... but i still haven't really acknowledged you... it's been hard to think of you as something that i'll be responsible for until the day i die, and unfortunately, responsibility has never been a strong suit of mine... what's been even harder is thinking about you as an eventual person... actually, a person now, i guess...
to tell you the truth, baby, i'm petrified.
i mean, i have a hard enough time taking care of myself! i've never really eaten well - "pizza" is a food group for me - how can i feed you properly? how can i be sure you're going to get all the vitamins and minerals you need? there's always flintstone vitamins to rely on, but i'm not really sure they even make a difference (your grandma used to give them to your uncle and i as a treat sometimes!). how am i going to prevent you from developing an allergy to peanuts? or gluten? or even the sun, god dammit? there are so many things i've been worried about... i know i probably shouldn't ("worrying is bad for the baby, april..." see what i mean? i've heard that i don't know how many times now!), but i worry about everything all the time! that's just the way i am... so, if i'm like this with my own life, how big of a control freak am i going to be with yours? i worry about that, too, just to let you know...
i don't want to ever think i ruined your life somehow... i know that sounds a little far-fetched, but i was a teenager once too (at least i have some of the lingo down... as uncool as that probably just sounded...) and i'm sure i was convinced my parents ruined my life once or twice...
since you've been around, though, everything's changed! i've realized how much fun i don't have when i'm not drinking (as bad as that sounds), and because of that, began to realize how annoying i must've been when i was drunk. i've become more self-conscious - ever since i started gaining weight before you were even thought of, i was getting self-conscious, but this is a whole other ball game. the unfortunate thing about this ball game, though, is that instead of the ump yelling "yer out!", he's screaming "yer fat!" to my thighs...
i'm also the most self-absorbed person you'll ever meet... someone told me last night that i was a bitch in high school. i thought i was making a conscious effort to be nice to everyone, but i guess i was wrong... i asked my two best friends (who, by the way, knew me in highschool) and they said i was fine... if anyone has a reason to lie, though, it's those two. if they told me i rained on even one person's parade, i'd never let them forget it. i'd pester them until they they eventually broke down, wrote me a detailed list of everyone i possibly upset, followed up by a folder of google maps getting me to all of their houses with the least amount of construction traffic.
see? i'm a neurotic mess...

all the things i need to know... i didn't even BEGIN to learn in kindergarten...

i never really thought of my blog as a free-range complaining farm... until i really had something to complain about... actually, if i look back, i pretty much always complained on here... just not twice in two days...
well, i still feel like crap. the bags under my eyes show testament to the fact that i have slept approximately ten hours in the past three days (any criticisms about my writing or thought process, please direct to the land of nod... i'll pick them up the next time i make a stop there... and at this rate, well, i never really liked criticism all that much anyways...), i still can't breathe or hear very well, i've now taken up coughing about every five-or-so minutes, and my left thigh has fallen asleep and i can't wake it up... at least someone's getting some rest...
complaining is cathartic, i guess. i've decided i no longer believe in "support" groups- i think they're just a front for people to go and sit for an hour and bitch about stuff... "support" my ass - call it like it is and everyone would be a lot happier...
i think i'm rambling... or maybe experiencing some new sort-of imbalance due to my "dull" eardrums...
bah...

it's been awhile... (and that WASN'T a stained reference...)

i think i must have procrastination issues... or laziness issues... or... something... i seem to have a hard time getting on here and writing...
well now, boys and girls, i have a reason - PREGNANCY SUCKS. i feel terrible saying that, but maybe it's just because the majority of the population writes it off as this beautiful, life changing event... beautiful? seriously? wtf? i mean, i've had more pimples in the past three months than i've had in 12 years, i've gained ten pounds (but recently lost five - doesn't look like it AT ALL and will be explained fully in the next few paragraphs), i think my eyes are moving closer together (i know... probably impossible, but the way things are going for me, well, i wouldn't put it past anyone...), and maybe, in some far-off reaches of the planet, excessive gas (too much information i'm sure) might possibly be seen as an attractive trait, but i think even my dogs find it repulsive in this neck of the woods... so "life changing"? definitely. but in no sense of the word do i feel beautiful... joe keeps telling me i am (well, he basically just tries to convince me i'm not disgusting... if he even tries to tell me i'm pretty, i kinda tear his head off...), and i'm sure i'm not really as ugly as i feel, but shouldn't i feel beautiful? why am i blessed/cursed with friends who have all had almost perfect pregnancies? i'm very happy for their experiences, but why does mine have to suck? i mean, i quit drinking, i quit smoking (smoking! me! i quit! cold-fucking-turkey, mofo...), haven't been lifting heavy objects and have given up any thoughts of dieting (well, the last one was easy enough, but i still don't want to be fat!). i think i've done everything i possibly could to ensure this experience will be as "magical" and "enlightening" as all the shitty books i've read and all the crappy television i've watched said it's supposed to be...
and to top it all off, i've gotten stupider (see? i'm sure that's not even remotely grammatically correct, but honestly, what the fuck is anyone going to do to me that's going to be any worse than what i'm going through right now?)! another "symptom" of pregnancy... i mean, if it's not supposed to suck, why does pregnancy have "symptoms" and "side effects" like so many illnesses? is it only the unlucky suckers like me who experience "symptoms"? do the happy pregos have these things "included", like the free make-up bag you get when you spend $50 or more at the clinique counter? AUUUGGGHH!!!
so, i'm sure if anyone is actually reading this, you may be wondering where all of this seemingly unbridled hostility and anger is really stemming from... well then... here's where the story begins...
for the past week, maybe week and a half, i've been experiencing symptoms EXACTLY like strep throat (i had it twice last year - february and june, so i know exactly what to expect). i am also very aware of rhinitis of pregnancy (some other terrible "symptom" that is earmarked by excessive mucous build-up due to higher amounts of estrogen during pregnancy and swelling of the nasal menbranes... in layman's terms - i am eternally stuffed up and cannot take any decongestants... awesome), and knew it wasn't this as i've been affected with that little gem for almost two months now! so, because of the severely sore (to the point of closing) throat, coughing, lack of sleep and earache, i went to the e.r. tonight. and oh yeah - the BRIGHT red dots and marks on the back of my throat and on my tonsils also told me it may be a good idea to stop in and have a talk with the doc on duty... LOTS of websites informed me if i was experiencing any of these symptoms, i should take a trip to the e.r, let alone all of them. the telehealth nurse told me to get my ass in there as well (those were just little examples to try and prove i'm neither crazy nor a hypochondriac). so, i waited just over two hours to see the doctor. when he waltzed into the exam room, i was a little bit shocked - gone were the trappings of what makes a "typical" doctor - dress pants, white lab jacket, wire-rim glasses, sensible shoes, salt and pepper hair cut in a sensible crew-cut... instead, what walked in the exam room looked like one of my old veterinarians i had to call for an emergency visit at midnight - the only major difference was the vet was wearing birkinstocks with mis-matched socks - the doctor was wearing hiking boots. i can't say for sure his socks didn't match, but i also can't say for sure they did... well, either my old vet or a guy who owned a head shop - one or the other... above the well-worn hiking boots, a pair of faded jeans rested. holes were beginning to wear in the left knee giving them a sort-of lopsided look. his shirt was a short-sleeve, teal scrub top that was covered in no-less-than 50 steel-gray hairs... he should have been wearing a hair-net, or at least tried to contain his very, very long hair in a tighter pony-tail. no glasses, and it seemed like th only time this guy ever set foot on a golf course was to protest the separation-of-class sometime in the sixties... needless to say, i wasn't sure how this visit was going to turn out... was he going to prescribe vast amounts of marijuana, grown in his indoor hydro operation? or would he take the holistic "make sure the honey you put in your lemon herbal tea is ONLY from bees from a cruelty-free organic bee ranch"? i also began to wonder if he was ever a member of the peace corps, and if he ever examined pregnant ethiopian women who probably relished gaining weight... the exam began with a quick look up my nose (which still hurts), rubbing of my neck/throat, a peek in my ears (which were proclaimed "dull"), and a glance at the suspicious-looking red spots on my inflamed tonsils. the whole ordeal lasted all of ten minutes, at which point the doctor i suspected of driving a hybrid while blaring simon and garfunkel informed me there was NO infection... none! and that i may have to just "deal with it" UNTIL THE END OF MY PREGNANCY!!! no throat swab, no listening to the rumbling in my chest, nothing. well, there was something - a feeling that i was going completely crazy - had all of these "symptoms" (term used correctly - i did think i was actually ill, after all!) been in my head? a convenient excuse to lounge on the couch while eating my lactose-free ice cream? i should hope-the-fuck-not! i have a valid excuse to lay around being incorrigible - these "side-effects" may very well stick with me until this baby makes it's way out, i'm going to get fat, my stomach is going to stretch (among other things that need not be mentioned here...), and to quote one of the (only) movies that shows pregnancy in it's true light - i'm going to have to "squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon!" in about less than six months! so sue me for feeling slightly self-indulgent...
don't get me wrong, either - i am excited. i know i'm a part of this "great big plan" that's made up of life and pro-creation... i just wish i could appreciate it without a puke bucket, box of lotion-enriched kleenexes and a tub of vaporub beside me... oh well... i can always blame the hostility on my huge hormonal imbalance - at least i know that's not in my head...