my, how things change...

i've come to notice the only thing constant in my blog (therefore, direct correlation to my life) is change. everything is always different when i have a chance to get on here and write. seriously - is that normal? does everyone's life swing to as many extremes as mine does? i really want to know... is it me? is it because i have such a hard time staying focused on anything, or is it because my constant trials and misgivings are probably quite amusing to the general population? not that things are bad - i (hope) think the curse that plagued me for the last year is probably over - if it is, it lasted almost exactly one year... sure - i got laid-off after the year would've been up, but i`m not sure it was such a bad thing. i don't want to be a sales person anymore! that's it - i am NOT going to take another sales-related position AGAIN! no "account managers", no "territory managers", no "account representatives"... NONE of those! i know i've said it before, and i'll probably say it again, but i am sold-out... i don't want to be good at telling people what they want... i am, though, planning on applying at a bank - i may be (well, i'm pretty sure i will be) required to sell mutual funds and other bank products... what i don't want, though, is the pressure. frankly, i've had enough of that to carry me through to retirement... even if i'm forced to retire at, like, 95...
so, as of now, i'm collecting unemployment. joe and i are (again) learning to live with smaller means and learning what's important in life. god - that sounds cheesy... my unemployment runs out in july - quite jump into the distant future... it will be summer again when it runs out! while sticking it to the man by collecting unemployment (i still can't believe how easy it it - i call or go online on friday, answer under ten questions, then on the following tuesday, there's money in the bank... i can't get over it, i swear!), job hunting is a great way to showcase some lovely character traits such as perseverance, determination, a will to succeed and a strong working ethic. anybody who knows me, though, will probably be thinking "but april, you could be taking this opportunity to write... you could be remodelling the house (again)... you could be making a social statement that traits like perseverance, determination, a will to succeed and a strong work ethic aren't that important in the grand scheme of things..." yes - those who really know me (like myself) are wondering why i even care about a job when i have, what? about eight months before i wander into dire straights? well, folks, things change. see, i need at least 600 hours to collect maternity leave. no, i'm not taking my "sticking it to the man" theory too far by faking a pregnancy, or by getting pregnant just to make a point (or the beginnings of my personal army). i actually am pregnant and happy. well, happy and confused...
so, here's a list of things i've learned (so far) about pregnancy -
1: the internet is a piece of crap. why, oh why is it so damn hard to get a straight answer on whether or not i can drink fucking herbal tea?! seriously - the internet would be much more appealing if it wasn't acting like a bi-polar chick who forgot to take her meds and is experiencing pms (sorry to all who've actually experienced this girl by spending time with me when these unfortunate times occurred - normally on a monthly basis...)! all i want is a fucking answer that coincides with at least three sites i look at in a row... how hard is that? regardless, because i saw at least one site that stated my tea ingredients are perfectly fine for myself and my unborn baby to ingest, i will be drinking my dreamland herbal tea before bed tonight...
2: mood-swings are not fun for anyone involved. my mood-swings that i experienced prior to my pregnancy are still kicking around, although they seem to occur less frequently. they really haven't involved a lot of anger - mostly just irrational tears, some hyperventilating, and a lot of hurt feelings - i'm taking freakin' everything personally right now! they also seem a little more severe. poor, poor joe...
3: "morning sickness" is not real. it should be called "all-day-feelings-of-crap-and-yuckiness"... kind of like a hangover, but i didn't have the luxury of being drunk. generally, i constantly feel on the verge of throwing up, and usually always have a headache. one of the coolest things about "morning sickness", though, is that being pregnant, i am unable to take medication for the feelings of malaise i experience. i am growing stronger everyday (and more annoyed with my sensitive stomach) - yea. that being one of the best things, the ultimate best thing would have to be that it's only supposed to last until i'm done my first trimester. i am now about six weeks - halfway there.
4: food is wonderful. i have always thought that starving wouldn't be one of the nicest things to go through, but now, i know it as "the-possible-worst-thing-that-could-ever-happen-short-of -another-holocaust-or-world-war". in conclusion, food is the best thing to ever exist (except the food that threatens to make me vomit... see above).
and finally, 5: a lot of the things i've heard and read about pregnancy don't seem to be ringing true - i've heard every time i see a baby, i'll feel pangs of longing and love. when i hear a baby cry, i'll want to cry. when my face starts turning into a pizza with extra grease and pepperoni, i'll understand because my hormones are out of whack. none of these statements are true - at all. maybe i'm weird... or a robot... world, look out - she's reproducing...

good-bye my oldest friend...

so... since i'm having an extremely difficult time getting things done with my novel, i thought i would just try and write, regardless of the crap that i'm sure will come out.
so, to start with, i want to talk about regrets. have you ever regretted someone else's decisions? or is regret a personal thing? i know it's impossible to make someone feel something, especially if you don't tell them what you think they should. someone i love is gone. i could go so far as to say the typical "well, they're not dead, but they're sure dead to me!", but that doesn't really apply. see, because i'm not sure if the person i'm referring to is the same person anymore... would that mean they are dead? like, the part of them i loved died? i think that's possible, but who's to say, right? and i know i've received flak for being too vague (with this and the majority of things i write), so i may as well get out as much as i can without offending any parties involved (not that anyone involved or anyone else, for that matter, will read this, but who knows??)...
it began with a night that may or may not have been a mistake - when a group of people gets together to fight for what's right, there is always a discrepancy between what they believe is right and what actually is. i now know that minding my own business is ALWAYS the right thing to do. if someone doesn't want to hear something, they definitely will not believe it. regardless, i felt terrible. i apologized, things seemed fine. then, another person became linked with the situation - something i swore was going to happen (which is synonymous with something i was told was a complete impossibility) happened - sometimes, i hate it when i'm right. then, things kept falling apart. more feelings were hurt (mine this time), and i wound up feeling left out in the cold, even though it was one of the warmest may's i ever remembered...
i'm not sure if i'm looking for closure, the chance to voice my side of the story, or if just want the chance to say what i want and need to say because i think i'll get the closure i think i need. closure is a slippery slope, though. in order for me to get this closure, i have to open a wound that seems already healed (complete with large, yucky scab, mind you...). and the worst thing is, i don't know if we can ever be friends again anyways - things won't ever be the same. i betrayed a trust and she betrayed one as well. i can say her faux pas was worse, but that's just my opinion... i lost faith in her ability to make a good choice and she lost faith in me. now, in regards to that last statement, though, her last choice - the one that was so so painful and upsetting for me to accept and, as it seems, the last one ever made in conjunction with our friendship - just compounded that feeling i had of her making poor decisions. why choose to run to someone who you don't even know? like, not "oh, you just met them" not even know - like "she lied to everyone sooooooooo many times no one knows when she's telling the truth - ever" not even know... and why oh why not even give me a chance to explain myself?!? it seems to bring me back to some initial insecurities i felt when this whole situation first arose - maybe she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore...
as i mentioned previously, i doubt either of the people i'm speaking of will never read this - it doesn't matter. writing it has been somewhat cathartic, but not as much as an email or a phone conversation would be. i don't know when i'll get to that stage - maybe never. again, i doubt it would make a difference.
i do know that the assumed statement i supposedly said didn't fall from my mouth... i do know the person she turned to, for whatever reason, isn't who she thinks they are... i do know she had doubts about them before - we discussed them together... i do know i think i'm too old for this, and i definitely know things will never go back to the way they were - ever.
it's terrible to look at your wedding pictures and feel like you don't even know some of the people in them anymore - one being because she was never who i thought she was, and the second, well, i guess it must be because of the same reason.

is it possible to realize a fictional fact?

what is the opposite of “irony”? Could it be when you fight with your significant other almost all day, then come home to the movie “the break-up” on TV… I hate to compare real life to a movie, but sometimes, it’s hard not to. There are so many true-to-life moments in that movie that at sometimes, it’s painful to watch.
I remember the first time I watched that movie with joe… it was awkward. My stomach knotted up exactly the same way it does when I see a dead cat on the street. The feeling when you know someone has lost something important, but you’re not sure what to say…
There are so many parts in that movie that are completely (I don’t want to use a cliché, but it fits so well) heart wrenching. When they fight in the opening scene, it helped me realize my relationship isn’t the only dysfunctional one on the planet. When brooke tries to make gary jealous by dating someone and she winds up coming home to their condo filled with half-naked dancing women, the look on gary’s face is excruciating to see. I’ve seen it before on a few faces. It hurts to see because the complete vacancy attacks your insides and dries them up, leaving nothing but a husk of a person. That look precedes the end. After you see that look, it’s hard to get it out of your head.
Brooke instead winds up jealous and tried to entice gary back – not sexually this time, but with a shared interest – a time for them to just be together - anyone can understand why she would do that. I’m sure everyone (or at least everyone knows of someone whom) has tried that route. Sometimes, it seems to work. Things seem better for awhile… then, things go back to the way they were – when you were content and they were just misleading enough to keep you happy.
Later on, gary tries to make things right. Unfortunately, it’s too late. There does come a time in every relationship when it’s just too late…
When the movie closes and gary and brooke see each other again, all anyone wants is to see them kiss – to share that emotional exchange that in movies, means it’s all going to be ok. They don’t – kind of like how in real life, a hug, kiss or even a fuck don’t always make things right again. It’s not fun seeing reality - it always has a way of dredging up past hurts and cuts. Again, I hate comparing a movie to real life. Sometimes, though, it’s acceptable. I would say that movie is one of my favourites, but that would be like saying milk (whole, full of lactose) is my favourite drink because it makes me have diarrhea and throw up. I love milk and cheese and yougurt – I just can’t have too much of them. Very much like reality... The movie hits too close to home…

gristle...

well, lady luck has turned her back on me again... new profession - "professional tester of the waters"... seems like the one girl who can't handle stress well keeps having it shoved down her throat... and believe me - i hate the taste... getting fired (well, that's probably a bit harsh.. this is the first time i will ever say i was "let go"...) bites the big one... and i mean "bites" like, you know when you bite into a piece of chicken and you wind up with a mouth full of gristle? that's what it feels like - that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach and the automatic gag reflex...
regardless, in case anyone didn't read my profile updates on facebook (which may be a possibility - but facebook is pretty much the only way anyone will ever know i update this thing... unless random people check it - that would be cool...), i lost my position at the radio station. i'm just not cut out for radio sales - maybe not sales at all anymore, to tell you the truth... i'm all sold out... i just want to do something that makes me happy, and it's so hard to find. i never thought people had to "find" happiness... i thought it was always stumbled upon... "whenever god closes a door, he opens a window"... how many times will i hear that in the next little while? probably a few more times than my liking, but at least i'll know people care.
my husband isn't exactly ecstatic, and who would be? i feel like i'm continually letting him down, but it's so f-ing hard for me!!!! i can't comprehend how people can function in a world where they're not happy... i understand how they can, but there's a big difference between "understanding" and "comprehension"... "understanding" is almost like empathy - you understand why someone does something or something happens... you understand why someone puts their parents in a home, or why plants need water to survive. "comprehension", on the other hand, is being able to fathom something - to comprehend why something makes sense... and people roaming and dragging around their whole lives just to pay a mortgage on a home they put a new porch on just so their resale value would be higher does not make sense to me!!!!!!take vacations, for example - someone is extremely stressed out at work - they try to tie up all their loose ends before they take off on a trip for a week just to come back to even more turmoil than before they left... how does this work??? when did we start caring about the bottom line more than... well, when did "bottom line" start meaning money? shouldn't the bottom line be contentment and happiness? maybe i'm just crazy... maybe i'm lazy... all i know is i don't want to be a drone... i'm sure tonnes of people have felt this way (ummmm, punk rock, anyone??), but it's so painful to actually feel yourself - every single day... when does it end? this can't be the meaning of life...
there are so many things i want from life again - i want that felling i had on easter morning years ago when i was in the driveway with my skip-it waiting for my parents to get out to the car so we could go to their friend's house... i want to see the way the light danced of the leaves and tickled my shins again...
i want to hug my grandpa and smell him again...
i want to be painfully beautiful again - like when people (men and women) would turn around on the street just to catch one more look of my face again...
i want to lay in bed on a school morning and tell my mom i was feeling sick (even though i wasn't - i just didn't want to go to school) and feel her cool palm on my forehead. i want to see that look of concern (which i know was kind of faked - i've since seen her concerned look, and i hope to never see that again) , hear her say "hmmm... you do feel a little warm", and then "maybe you should stay home..." all because she knew i didn't want to go...
regressing to childhood is a normal thing - ever read that book "i will love you forever" by robert munsch? it explained it perfectly. i will not delve into details if you're not sure which book i'm referring to - go out and read it... it's like, 20 pages and a children's book. now that is painfully beautiful...

betrayal (?)

know what's weird? when you think you're being betrayed but you're not really sure. men always have a way of simplifying things - "why don't you just ask her what's going on?" to tell you the truth, i'm not exactly sure. it could possibly be due to the fact that women are naturally shifty... i think it's feminine instinct to back-stab; it comes from all sides. but why can't i just ask her? basically, i think i'm afraid of the response... but what i can't understand is what the response could possibly be... i'm at a loss and not really sure where to go or what to think right now... i don't know if i should be felling betrayed or... stupid, i guess... stupid and cowardly because big, tough april can't take criticism or some shit like that... but what is the criticism???

new job... new outlook...

so... new job... started at Blackburn radio a week ago... enjoying it... uhhh... sales again... not much else i can say... except for the fact that i love the environment i'm working in. it's almost like when i was at the paper... i'm not sure exactly what else i can say with regards to the whole "you shouldn't discuss your job on the Internet" thing... i do love it, though, and am actually in a pretty good place right now with all recent events considered. so... i see someone thinks i should be writing more... i wish i could. it doesn't seem to come out as easily as it used to... it feels (for lack of a better term) like i am creatively constipated... that is just an awful word, but it describes my feeling to a tee. words used to pour out of me... my uncle used to say he had "verbal diarrhea"... i had carpal diarrhea... things are just easier not writing... it's almost like i don't have anything to write about anymore... i equate it to something my friend chad said to me while i was under the influence (speculation of the particular influence is allowed) - he said "well, april, i think god only gives you so many words in a lifetime. once you use them up, you die." i was quiet for well over five minutes... i think sometime i wrote all my words... what remains is slush. or maybe not... maybe i just haven't got the call of the "one great idea" that i will feel forced to comply with and allow myself to be enrobed in for weeks. i picture being holed-up, agitated, a drastic loss of appetite (hopefully a drastic weight loss will accompany that), and fits of obscene rage. pretty much like when i had strep throat in february, but not so doped-up. i can't predict when it will come, i can only hope it does... my life is far too boring and mundane to hold the attention of people for much longer... i pretty much already know everybody has taken to humouring me (well, have for years) pretending they care about the small details of my daily escapades... well, actually, some of the things that happen to me are pretty funny sometimes... such as the other day... saturday, i had to go to a remote in the morning at a local country store / produce farm. if they see this, i would like to mention the excellent service, great selections of goods, and great, great, great butter tarts. well, they gave me some tarts to take home with me. i was very excited, as it was the first really good perk i ever got at a job... so, i took them home, left them on the counter, left to do leesha's hair for carn and heather's wedding, came home craving a tart only to find my dog (affectionately called "stretch hot rod, reminiscent of that armstrong guy... did he have a tv show, too? if anyone remembers, let me know!) ate them... all five that were left... i craved them all night, all next morning, and when sunday came, almost drove the 40 minutes to buy more. i didn't, but i'm sure i will. i do drive over an hour to buy candles... i'm also thinking i'm developing (or it's just becoming more pronounced) OCD. i need to have the television at a volume only divisible by five... weird, i know, but i am surethat's why i lost my previous job... when i came home in tears and turned on the tv, the volume was at 22... what, joe, was that all about? hehe! what's even worse is this is just another thing people are humouring me about... in their cars, in their homes on their tvs... my obsession is pouring over into their lives. that's how you know someone truly loves you - they not only humour your psychotic quirks, they allow them and accept them with open arms... and hand you the remote so they don't have to listen to you scream... till another day... april

birthday alert...

another birthday... 26. yea. 26, no direction, no job. never thought i'd be saying that... everyone always said i had soooo much potential... awful word, potential... it always gives you hope until people start saying you had it... how can you lose potential? where does it go? who knows... all i know is that i feel i no longer posses that particular quality. there was a time where everything seemed so limitless... now it's hard to find the energy to get out of bed in the morning. getting dressed is a challenge, so i can't even begin to think how hard it's going top be to step back in the working world. what can i do, though? it's as if i've been living my life exactly the way i swore i never would - according to other's perspectives and expectations. i always tried so hard to go against the grain, and maybe by doing so, all i accomplished was tiring myself. So, when i had the option to make the choice of which way i wanted to live my life, i found myself too exhausted to fight. Expectations - your own, your spouse's or significant other's, your family's, society's... there comes a point where they seem to take over. "be skinnier! be prettier! work harder! make more money! buy better things! find a better job! fall in line! grow up..." i guess i have to look at the bright side - all of the people i love who's expectations of me should mean the most all feel i'm great... it's mostly dealing with my own expectations of myself that i'm, finding the problem. where am i supposed to be right now? how am i supposed to be acting? what am i supposed to be wearing, and how is my hair supposed to be? nobody ever said growing up would be easy, but i always thought i'd be done it by now...
happy birthday to me...

hmmm... haven't been on here for a long time due to the fact that i forgot my password and couldn't figure out how to change my e-mail settings to retrieve my password... fun, fun, fun.anyways, if anyone cares, a lot's happened since my last post. to start with:Got Married - august 26th, 2006. beautiful day, my girls looked gorgeous, my husband and his boys were great, generally a pretty good day. it's funny, though - everybody always says you always remember your wedding day... i don't really. like, i remember parts of it - factions and remnants, but a lot of it was a blur. i didn't get drunk, so i don't know what that's all about... oh well. when i have access to another computer, i'll post some pictures on this thing.Left My Job - october 31, 2006. had a break-down, kinda went cuckoo, got a new therapist/psychiatrist, had huge issues with the insurance company i was dealing with, was poor, fell behind on everything, cried a lot, slept a lot, cried some more and finally, with the help of my husband and my friends, emerged somewhat unscathed.Joined A Band - sometime early 2007. don't really want to talk about this - finally doing something i love (singing) that made me happy turned out to be another big screw-you to april. supposed to play a show on april 14th... didn't work out. now trying to start up a new band, not really getting anywhere. anybody looking for a chick singer, let me know... cause i love (d) it - grounded me in a way i have a hard time finding away from pharmaceutical prescription drugs...Went Through Some Sort Of Phase And Made Some Changes To My Appearance - shortly after i joined the band. cut off about six inches of my hair. i was very pleased with the condition and new-found vigor and swing that was never really there before. shortly after starting New Job mentioned below and noticing the other employees expressing their personal fashion choices, i decided nice, newly healthy hair could use a bleach-job and some bright red dye. this is after a few weeks of experimenting with that color-pulse mousse stuff - daily - not recommended, apparently. nobody told me, although it probably wouldn't have mattered. anyways, bleached and tried to dye red. manic panic is sooooooooo not the same quality as it was in my younger days... then, red was (not became, was to start with... odd, but nice colour just the same...) pink, and the logical step after pink is blue. well, blue was turquoise (same as red was pink... remember - the quality has really gone down hill... i was going to write a letter, but i was too busy doing other stuff. not sure what it was, but i'm sure it was important.) so, blue was supposed to become black, but instead, became a weird shade of inky blue and felt like, well, i can't really explain it, but it felt gross. all of the beautiful hair i worked for and savoured the few months i had it is now gone. had to cut it all off in an emergency salon appointment tanna made for me. love, love, love my new hairdresser, though! michael, if you're reading this, i'll need to book another appointment as soon as what follows below is cleared up... my hair looked great, will post a pic of it soon. now, hair was dyed pink after i Got A New Job - sometime late february, 2007. while off on (unpaid at this point - no longer felt like spending whole days in the doctor's office waiting for faxes to be received and sent to and from the insurance company and paying out the ass for said-faxes... said "screw it"- i was poor before, and i'm sure i'll be poor again. scarlett didn't know what she was missing, i tell ya!) disability, decided to try to ease back into the workforce with a menial, part-time job in a call centre again. was still poor, things seemed a little better, caught up on some of the more important things, like hydro and such (crying yourself to sleep is much easier with an equally depressing movie playing on your tele, which needs hydro to work... not fair, i know, but what can you do?). food was bought too. being back in the workforce, no matter how menial-a-position, gave me confidence to return to said previous job. got clearance from doctor and new shrink, called hr, got callback same day to return following monday.and this brings us almost to present...I'll just combine Returned To Old Job and Got Fired From Old Job into one, easy-reading, quick synopsis, because legally, i'm not allowed to say much. First day started great - loved new office, new people, new market, loved new everything. for once, i felt like an asset to something. second day, not so great. my car blew up on my way to work on the 401. now, i was working about 45 minutes away from home, so it's not like i could walk. and for anyone who knows the 401, i'll let you know i was stranded on the side of the road about 10 minutes away from what is affectionately known as "carnage alley". not a good morning. cried some more, thought i was going to hyperventilate, basically felt like ripping my hair out. got a ride home in a tow truck, cried some more, tried to rent a car, couldn't get a car until late that afternoon, girl didn't put my application in the system right, they rented my car to someone else, had to borrow tann's car wednesday, leesha's thursday, sister-in-law mandy's van friday, which brings us up to speed. borrowed mandy's van today, drove to work and got fired. i'll say it again, fun, fun, fun... apparently, by saving the company (or insurance company, who knows...) money by giving up on my claim, i couldn't work part-time at another completely unrelated business. it was in some sort of violation. i should have just gone back. see, the thing is, i now wish i had never left in the first place. i also wish i had never started work at the call centre (although i did met some really cool people, possibly my new-band people) because, well, i think that's self-explanatory. so now, i'm up a creek. the motor has to be replaced in my car, i don't have a job, and i think i've cried enough in the last 6 months to float that stupid canoe i'm stuck in without a freakin' paddle... at home after my first day, i was ecstatic. life couldn't get better. then, my car blew up. then, everything seemed to be getting better - seemed being the key word. just when you think things can't get worse... bam. i'm almost to the point where i don't want to go outside. agoraphobia seems like the way to go. fears of the sky falling have a lot of pull with me now... chicken little, i know what you were going though, little buddy!this morning, i woke up with the same, dumb, yucky feeling in my belly that i did the day my car died. i'm used to this feeling - every time my daddy would drive me into town when i was younger and i thought i was pulling a fast-one on my parents, if i was destined to get caught, i would get that feeling. there were many, many times though, that i got away with whatever scam i was trying to pull. didn't feel it those times...but really, could i just have a freakin' break??? i mean c'mon! if anything, i think i've dealt with what's been handed to me quite well recently. i'm surprised i haven't got up on a water tower with some water balloons yet... and i don't even want to tempt fate with the typical battle cry of the optimist "things can only get better!". i don't even want to conclude with the cheer of the glass-half-empty folks i usually associate myself with - "they can't get any worse!" they can... at least i'm expecting them to now... what do you think? what's that little nugget of wisdom make me? an optimistic pessimist? a pessimistic optimist? basically, i'm going with an tele-pathetic oxy-moron. at least i have my health... cough, cough...

when it rains...

so...it's been awhile. lots has happened in the last week or so... i had my g-class drivers test monday... i failed! it sucks! i guess i have a problem with rolling stops. oh well - guess i just have to try, try again... the rest of the week was pretty mundane... not much else but that. maybe lots hasn't happened... i guess not. the long awaited weekend is finally here - didn't start until 1pm today though - had to work. so last night had to be pretty low-key.
chris, joe and i went over to tanna's to talk stag and doe stuff. mark showed up and helped out a bit too - we got a lot of stuff worked out, which was great! i think it's going to be pretty fun - we're just trying to decide if we can have a band and a d.j... joe wants ballsy to have a pretty important role in our "special day" (well, the stag and doe isn't really the "special day", but you get what i mean...), and he would be the perfect d.j. chris, though, thinks we can't have both as it will make steve less necessary if we have a band. joe and i disagree completely - the band can't play all night long!!! and joe and i both love live music, so i don't know... play it by ear, i guess. like i said, though, we got a lot of good brain-storming done.
didn't do too much at all today - after work, i went home and pretty much straight back to bed - joe and i threw out the old couch and i'm waiting for him to bring tanna's over, so joe was in the bedroom and i was in the living room on the chair. he wanted me to go in the bedroom with him, but i knwew if i did, i would probably just fall asleep - against my better judgement, i went in the bedroom. he left, and when he came back, sure enopugh, i was out! he said i looked so comfy, he didn't want to wake me. yuck! i feel like i wasted a whole day! oh well...
but, gotta cut this short - i'm at tann's and we're about to put some facial masks on, watch a sappy girl movie and eat junk food!!! an excellent way to spend a saturday night!!!

fish fungus... yuck!

so... i lost three of my fish last night... both of my coolie loaches and one of my guppies. i guess they had fish fungus.. yuck. my guppy wasn't actually dead, but i had to flush her all the same because she had the beginnings of a fungal growth. it was pretty sad, but i guess i can get over it... oh well. on a lighter note - hot-rod went crazy today. joe and i made cookies last night and when joe went to bed, he left them on the counter. lo and behold, i awoke to no cookies and one fucked-up dog. i swear to god, that dog has no manners. she was spun out all morning on chocolate-chip cookies, and all i could think about was how she obviously didn't share with kohl. nothing (and i mean nothing - sponges, silverware, newspapers, joe's wallet, complete with id) can be left anywhere on our counter - she has, like, stretch armstrong arms (legs, who can tell anymore?) and gets into everything! nothing in our house is sacred. tanna's getting rid of her completely uncomfortable couch, so i think joe and i are going to take it to replace the horribly chewed one that has taken the place of our first brand new love-seat we bought three years ago. how long are couches supposed to last? probably longer that that one did.. atleast it's finally paid for... joe blames kohl, but i'm sure rods had something to do with it. she always seems a little too content when joe's scolding kohl... a little too... ummm... smug i think is the best way to put it. regardless, they're both great dogs - the best dogs anyone could ever ask for. i love them, and i love that they love me back. they make me laugh, and when i have a totally heinous day, they always manage to make it a little better.
so... plans for the great, long-awaited, finally-almost-here weekend. tanna, leesha, sara and i are going to london and sparta... exciting... nothing breaks up the tedious monotony that makes up life better than candle shopping. maybe we'll take a tour to the friendly farmer and city-lights too... maybe, just maybe speed city too. i don't really have a lot of money, but i do think a little retail therapy is necessary... and before that, on friday night, tann's getting her first - dum dum dum duuummm!!!!!! TATTOO!!!!!!!!! i never thought the day would come!!! it's going to be awesome!!! i am soooo excited for her! i keep telling her she's gonna wimp out, but she's one tough broad... she'll be fine... i also get to leave work early tommorow to pick up my wedding dress. i have no idea how much it's going to cost, but my dress was worth atleast $1800, and i got it for $500 canadian (god, how i love going--out-of-business sales!!!!!!!! especially when our exchange is, like, $.14 !!!), so i can afford to spend a little on the alterations. that's probably the mpst expensive thing about our wedding... it's not like we're cheaping out, we're just being frugal... i don't even want joe to buy me an expensice ring... i'm not huge on big rocks - i'd probably just lose it or ruin it or something... like i would looooove this one with just a little diamond in it... that would be awesome...
but, signing off for another night. i can't wait till i get my computer... no distractions like tanna saying "are you gonna draw my tattoo now? how about now?????" (hehe!!! j/k!!!)

hmmm... my first post...

well - i've decided to join the wired world and start a blog... odd, i don't even have a computer. so, one of my best-friends offered up the use of hers. lovely girl, that tanna!
i suppose i should start off by telling a little bit about myself. i'm not even sure where to begin! i used to be much more exciting (i think...). i guess my life seems much more mundane than it used to be. i have a boyfriend/fiance (getting married in august, so i guess he's my fiance - it just seems so weird to call him that!) joe, two dogs (both rescued) whom consume more of my life than pretty much anything, and eight fish. i have an autistic brother who's exactly 19 months and 20 days younger than me, and great friends. i am in the process of trying to be a grown-up. everyone has to grow up, and it's good that i have (kind of). not to say i don't do stupid things anymore - i'm constantly causing problems by being overly dramatic (i think it's a strength, other people call it manic-depression), jumping from one extreme to the next (short attention span - totaly not my fault), and being loud. is it possible for a 24 year-old (almost 25) to act out? i just naturally crave chaos. growing up, my home was caucophany of atleast three battling television volumes, no less than two stereos, and shouting. we lived (and still do) by the adage if you have something to say, it must be important. even if it's not, you should yell, just to make sure you get your point across. i think my mom never saw a point in being loud - she always just sat back until we exhausted ourselves, then you could always hear her, quietly making sense out of our seemingly tireless rants and outbursts. i love my family very, very much. they played a huge part in making me who i am today - myself. they always encouraged all of my asinine whims and phases, knowing that i would eventually straighten myself out. i'm not exactly chaste and completely collected, i still go on tangents and have tantrums, but i think i've turned out quite well... i mean, i have a job! a real job! i have business cards! i'm getting married in six months to a super guy! i still have all my fingers and toes, and most (some?) of my braincells are accounted for.
but, enough about me. i'm gonna lay down a quick synopsis about the aformentioned great friends, starting with tanna (otherwise known by her real name of tanya).
tanna - what can i say? one of the best friends a girl like me could ever ask for. she is the yin to my yang - she has put the kibash on soooo many of my hair-brained schemes it's not even funny. she has an uncanny ability to read me, and stops (well, tries atleast) me from doing dumb things. since i met her about 8 years ago, she's been one of my rocks. i love her to death. she's my matron of honour - if i'm gonna take this big of a leap, she's the one i want to be there to see me at the bottom!

leesha (otherwise known as aleshia to her family and the government) is another one of my oldest friends. she has held my hair back and drove me around when i was heart-broken and sobbing so many times i've lost count. she's smart, rational, and has the ability to make me see when i'm over-reacting without being pretentious or condencending. she makes me smile, and she lets me bitch about anything without trumping (a trait i am, unfortunately, guilty of). she has seen all of my faults and puts up with them. i love her dearly and know she'll get what she deserves out of life - the best!

hot rod and kohl - aka rodders and spikohlie - are my dogs. i've had rods for two years and kohlie for one. i love my doggies sooooo much! they sleep on our bed each night, curled up around my head and legs. they're both pretty big - rods is about 60 pounds and kohl's about 90. ever read "where the red fern grows"? remember big dan and little anne? well, if not, little anne was wiley, small and cunning. dan was big, kinda dumb and has the personality of a bull-dozer. my dogs in a nutshell. sure, they ate my new couch, occaisionally make messes on the floor, bark all the time, chew our socks, track mud everywhere, knock the playstation over... i could go on forever, but all that matters is that i love them and all their foibles. i'd rather clean up dog crap than not have the unconditional loves those two bestow on me.
fishusallowishious - my fish. they're great and fun. i want more. they don't drool or eat much. they're pretty cool.
joe - my fiance - last but not least, my joe. the first guy who can actually put up with all my shit, and not just to get a piece. not to say he likes putting up with me, but he loves me just the same. he's calm, pretty quiet, laid-back, driven, courteous - pretty much everything i'm not. there's never been anyone in the whole existence of earth that has complimented me so well. not to gush, but he's pretty damn sexy, too! i can't say much about him other than i love him with all i've got in me. sometime i take advantage of the great guy he is, maybe because he lets me, or maybe because i'm just a bitch - who knows? all i do know is that he rocks. end of story.
so... that's about it. bored yet?